If you go down to the woods today

Reach your long hand out
to another door, beyond where
you go on the street, the street
where everyone one says, “how are you?”
And no one says how aren't you
Rumi


I have been putting off writing this post for the last week. This is due partly to a lack of time allowing me to hunt for elusive ideas, and partly to a fear of saying the wrong thing, of displaying an ignorance regarding the concepts I struggle with.


Once I started turning my fear around and around, sniffing at it from every angle , sticking my head deep under the blankets where no one can see it, and jumping up and down under a tree to make it rise higher I suddenly realised the following.


Often I don't speak my truth because I am afraid to offend, to appear ridiculous and to be rejected. If I get rejected I cannot have what I want. The relationship, the job, the future contact, the admiring comments, the possibility of someone running next to me for a while. So I say what I think others might want to hear, merely hinting at my own truths and needs. Once I am known and trusted, then maybe I could, reveal my true intentions.


Often, before this miracle occurs, I feel used, misunderstood and taken advantage of. I want to escape, to go somewhere where I can be me, I want to hide under the covers.


I now have the ability to grow, learn and change. But in order to do that I must understand this fear. This need to be everything for everyone else. To sometimes push it up through my chest and away and to sometimes let it rest in compassion. To allow myself to be honest about my intentions. To allow myself to turn around when I realise that I have made a mistake, own it and keep walking in what I hope is the right direction.


I am having doubts of my ability to integrate into a community that mistrusts me because of my colour. I am scared that I will give up my dreams in order to make it better for others. I am questioning my motives. Why this need to save others? Is it about me or them? Am I ready? Will I offend? Will I be hurt? Will I end up working from seven in the morning till twelve at night knowing that I am trying to empty a well with a broken bucket?


Isn't it rather selfish to rather want to hide in my garden writing about making a change? Should I rather be working with those who want to work with me? Can I find out why others don't want to work with me? Can I change things? Why should I be allowed to hide in my garden while others have nothing to eat? Are there better ways of addressing the inequalities outside my garden? Will I, god forbid, end up looking like a ignorant, middle-class, white woman? And since this is my socio-economic context is it really such a shameful thing? I don't want fear to stop me from learning.


The answers will turn out to be those I never imagined. Growing up protected from history, critical inquiry and political awareness might result in a fair amount of time spent mumbling past the feet in my mouth. But if I do not ask how will I find answers? If I do not listen carefully to the answers how will I learn? If I cannot learn how will I change?


Jen and Mad have invited Susanne and I to host the just posts on our sides of the world. Knowing that it will encourage me to explore my own voice and those of others I accepted. I will write about my fears and hopes. I will listen to the voices of others. I will carefully research my facts. I will learn. I will respect myself and speak with integrity.


So using Jen's words: "If you have read or have written a post about social justice this month send the link to me at hwagener (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send you the button. You and the post(s) you've shared will be included at our Just Post Roundtable on the 10th and will now be featured on four blogs across the world."


If you would like to find out more about the just posts please reference Jen's post. I will line up my ducks and hopefully by the tenth we will be able to quack for ourselves.

Reflection

Chani and Flutter, two of my favorite reflectors have awarded me a beautiful award. The blogger reflection reward.

After resigning I have been reflecting on my dreams, futures, likes and dislikes, beliefs and fears and anything else crossing my line of thought.


Every night I dream about a bear fighting with a wolf. Why? What does it mean?

The bear is impersonal yet defensive. It merely wants to keep the wolf out of its territory. The wolf is curious and fearless. It want to know what the bear is protecting.


My dream is to create spaces where people can recognize the courage of their dreams. Where they can claim back their dignity. Where they start building a life filled with the joy of discovery. The majority of poor people I come in contact with are black. I am white. Between us lay a history of oppression.


A black student in my research class points out that it is presumptuous to assume a that a garden is needed in informal settlements. The ladies we work with refer to us as the white ones. Someone I admire in my facilitation class talks of fighting the white apartheid system. He also talks about a childhood where their small home was always full of people and laughter. I remember a childhood separated from reality. We each had our own room and met for breakfast, lunch, dinner and television.

My dream wolf curiously explores new territories. My dream bear wants to protect her territory.

Is there a space where curiosity and defensiveness can meet? Will learning occur when differences and similarities are acknowledged, accepted, maybe even enjoyed?


I once read about bears sharing their food with wolves. The wolves would have died without the food left by the bears. Wolves do not have the skills to hunt for food below the surface of a frozen ocean.


If these words does not make sense it is because I feel confused. The feelings I hunt are blurry and undefined. I lay on my bed listening to the sound of the wind and ideas move and change their shapes rapidly. I speak to friends and words disappear around the corner the moment their meanings are recognized.

The sun whispers. Her voice gets absorbed into the edges around me. Glimpses of possibility reflect up from journal articles.


Where does this leave me? I suspect it will take time to find out.

My heart knows how to recognize small signs. She is filled with courage, hope and patience.

A not so brief history

Maurey Pierce has memed me to share some of my favourite posts. I should have resisted or offered three maybe four posts. Instead I got lost in old history.


These posts shares my journey up to the post I have been writing in my head for the last few days. Some have them have never been read. Look at them all quivering in excitement.



Truth Unfolding

A mood grabs me

Future calling


Be light-hearted

Leafy truths

Cob dreams


I dream a better future

Today is not tomorrow

Early morning truths



And so it goes

Searching for truth

So one meme down and three to go.


Tomorrow is another day chasing her tail across the lawn. But Sunday, Sunday I will reflect on the tale (tail) of the future who is finally standing in front of the door. Jumping up and down, ready to bounce into spring while wearing a poppy passion bracelet.

And please, please share your favourites with me. I would love to see your pasts through your eyes.

Walking past the gate

I know I dropped a hint of things to change and then disappeared in a puff of smoke. The reason is twofold. First I had to resign before posting about resigning. Which I did on Friday.


Suddenly I am free. And it feels so good. So very terrible amazing. My heart ripples outwards to meet my future and sometimes she flies up high to look down at the possibilities running across the landscape of tomorrow where this NGO is located.


Secondly I have an essay on Kohlberg's theory of moral development that must be finished by Wednesday and a test the week after. I should not even be sitting here now. So although the detailed joys and revelations are pushing against my fingers begging to get out I have to return to the cell of the deadline.


Until I'm let out I will have to sing to myself.

Then I will return and visit and reflect and complete memes, some of them stretching back to February.

Until then a shout of joy, a sigh of relief and many hops, skips and bounces.

The first day

Tonight my heart is rolling down a hill beaming with the joy of smelling freshly cut grass and sunshine.


I love the mostest man in the world. I am researching things that make my heart say yes. About domestic violence shelters, gardening projects and hope, about nature enfolding our cities while sneaking her children into our hearts. I have the opportunity to work with a woman who shines like a star.

I have grown to know women who make my heart sing with joy every time I follow their links - strands of silk leading into their lives. Three wolves have adopted me and allows me to take them for runs, scratch their tummies and feed them bones.


Today I have made a decision that will change my life forever. My future is a dandelion dancer. Twirly and shiny she follows the breeze while dancing with the sun.

Tomorrow I will start tiptoeing into my heart. To find words to honor two women who offered me the gift of reflection.

Jen's beer

This beer has been standing in my fridge waiting for Jen to come and drink it. And it will stay there until she does.


I'm feeling a bit in between right now so not so many words but I did list ten things I like about myself:

1. Being able to love animals.

2. Being able to hear the unsaid things.


3. The ability to recognize beauty. In trees, light, things, animals and people.

4. I yearn to make a difference, to charm life into surrendering its grace to everyone.


5. I have a great bullshit filter. No advertisement is ever going to persuade me that washing my face with soap will turn me into a blond super model.

6. I have the courage to explore parts of myself I would love to ignore.


7. I have learned to be patient with myself. I can recognize a confused-wanting-to-please child in me which allows me to be gentle and patient with myself.

8 I can laugh at myself.



9. I believe in magic.

10. I am good at analysing data and recognising patterns.


And now I'm going to follow Bohemian girl's advice and snap out of my funk. But first I'm going to stick my head under the pillow and feel sorry for myself, then my bullshit filter will jump into place after which I will start laughing at myself. Hopefully this will result in wanting to charm the socks of Florian tonight and life tomorrow.

ps. Let me know if I can put a beer in the fridge for anyone else. But once it is in you better come and claim it.

and then you turn all around

This morning I was thinking:


In fantasy novels heroes are often reluctant. They are forced to grow by a sudden event outside of their control.


Laying in bed wrestling with my fear of loosing my job, my self-respect and my love I wonder if journeys we ourselves set in motion are not trickier than those that fate throws us.


It takes courage and hope to start the jorney of changing the things that currently defines me. To say no to the known and explore a path that may well turn out to be the wrong one. Will I have the courage to start again? What happens if the money runs out? Does taking two days a week put my job in jeopardy? Do I want to go through life too scared to take two days leave because it might put my job in jeopardy?


My fear is not rational. It churns through my stomach and makes my heart beat faster. I do not fear the excitement of a live turned upside down and a dragon to slay. I fear slowly falling into a grey non-caring where my projects no longer make sense because someone else's clock is no longer driving me.


I will follow the swirling motion deeper into my stomach. I will hunt the belief which tells me I must conform and fall in line or be unlovable and unworthy. I will ignore the siren song of giving up and seizing to care sung so beautifully by my pillow.


I will continue to whisper my truth to myself and those I love until one day I can sing it to the world. My past will gracefully lead my future into a fierce dance. I will turn the key unlocking a thousand untold stories.


I will find the dragon before she comes looking for me.

ps. The little dogs are the past of the big dogs I now love.