Searching for truth

I go outside to take pictures. Winter is shaking out her quilt made up of browns, blues, rustling leaves and grass smelling of early morning dew. Colours lean into and tumble over each other.

We go for a run. The light slowly fades into evening blue. One of the neighbours installed a bright search light. They have been robbed four times and last year one of their sons was shot. As I near the light the crickets grow silent. My shadow jumps up behind me, next to me and then ahead of me. I turn the corner and the darkness enfolds us.

I am no longer able to ignore the poverty around me, people robbed of their futures by greedy, power hungry governments and businesses. They work at petrol stations, building sites and supermarkets, as security guards and road workers.

My mind says you can’t change things, giving up your life won’t give them back theirs. My heart recognizes my fear but knows that I have to act. My mind knows a thousand excuses. My heart says no more.

My head is right. Sacrificing my dreams without clear direction won’t solve a thing. My heart is right. I have to act.

Together they need to come up with a plan.

I need to believe that another future is possible.

As Mmatshilo Motsei writes so poignantly in her book - hearing visions, seeing voices:

“Incorrigible dreamer that I am, for a moment I pretend that I live in a different South Africa – a South Africa where all African mothers are well fed both physically and spiritually, able to produce enough milk for their babies. I pretend that South Africa is a country where you would never see groups of shattered African men waiting along the road for a white man to pick them up in his truck to offer them a job, and thereby a sense of purpose. Setlhare sa mosotho ke lekgoa – a lie that we no longer utter, but continue to live. I yearn for an Africa where no mother, her baby on her back waits at the gate of a construction site in bad weather for a man who has never laid eyes on his child. I wish and pray for a continent full of parents who love themselves enough to love and care for their children. Loving oneself enough gives strength to nurture others”

I no longer want to feel ashamed to be white in a country where we close our eyes to what our minds try and talk our hearts out of feeling. I can do with less so that others can have more.

I want to be part of a solution, of a future where everyone can fulfil their dreams. Where we can heal and learn from each other. Where we can be proud of whom we are because our actions support our hearts. Not our fears.

I don't know what the right thing is to do or where to start but I pray for the strength and insight to recognise and follow the right choices wherever they may lead me.