Poem - Mmatshilo Motsei

Safe in the Bosom of the Goddess

I rock like a little girl

Sucking her thumb

Nursing a bruised knee after a fall

From the Bosom of the Goddess

I wail in pain, only to

Fall into a deep slumber

That dries away my tears

Safe in her Bosom, with her

Tender hands to hold me

I learn to break a little

To make room for yet

Another life experience

It is in her Bosom that I

Become an innocent child

Ready to love again without fear

As she mends my torn spirit with love

I know it will be ok

Mmatshilo Motsei - Hearing visions, seeing voices

Early morning truths

I wake up at three and cannot go back to sleep. The dogs excitedly follow me outside. We walk down to the dojo. I ignore the bright electrical light and start skipping by starlight.

My blue grey silhouette mimics my movements in the mirror. I sink into the feeling of fear, resentment and other unnamed emotions my mind skids away from.

I skip until my breath runs ahead of my bouncing heart.

The floor is cool behind me. I rest, I ask for guidance. I visualise a better future.

The feelings slip in on my slower breath. I start skipping again, I rest, and I skip.

The floor is cool under my back. The longing in my heart hurls a question towards the stars. For a moment I sense an answer where my heart and the sky meet. Leaves start rustling outside a back window, they dance in front of the wind that picks up speed and stops outside the door.

*

My heart constricts.

Fey runs in and starts licking my nose. Soon I am enveloped in furry bodies, hot breaths and wet kisses.

Fragmented Truths

I would like to explain my absence by presenting my week.

Sunday
I worked till 11:00 on my assignement, slept till 2:30 and lay awake till 6:00.

Monday
Work was hazy and meetings were littered across my day. I worked till 11:00 on my essay, slept till 3:00 and lay awake till 6:00.

I yawned through work discussions and attended class till 9:00. I returned home and worked on my essay till 10:30.

I went for a run through the dark with the dogs. Trees swayed against dark skies, horses lazily greeted my footsteps.

I woke up at around 3:30 but instead of angst I felt myself smiling in the dark. Snug against Florian I felt my heart expanding and enveloping me in acceptance.

Wednesday
I felt better able to concentrate at work, spend some time formatting and finishing of my essay which I handed in at 6:00. The discussion around Pavlov’s dogs and other animal experiments used to measure learned behaviour proved too much for my sleep starved brain and I returned home early.
)
Another evening run ensured a peaceful night.

Thursday
My boss got back to me, with the bad news it would affect productivity if I took time off from work right now. We then had a planning meeting till 11:00, I grabbed some lunch to eat in the car and rushed of to a hospital visit in the east of Joburg.

*

On arrival the hospital relations manager, whom I extensively communicated with in order to arrange a meeting, wanted to know who the hell we were. We sat in her office for about 40 minutes while she told people to f-off over the phone, haggled with a competitor’s employee to join her hospital and took personal phone calls on her cellular phone.

:*

Once she took notice of us again she told us in detail how crap the current system was and how she very much doubted our ability to come up with anything better. By this time me and the admissions supervisor, who represented another hospital, were stifling hysterical laughter and avoiding each other’s eyes. We were finally rescued by the bed bookings clerk .

I went home, had a little nap and a short walk and attended the public meeting in which plans to turn our neighbourhood in to a low income housing scheme was presented.
*
It was an interesting meeting. Old school colonialist white residents and black activists sat shoulder to shoulder. The government’s new policy of trying to mix income groups rather than separate them was presented to us. Afterwards people were allowed to comment and ask questions and some interesting views emerged.

*

Florian pointed out that these projects could be wonderful or awful depending on how they are implemented and explained why. He is very keen to establish a sustainability node on our property and would like some low income housing to be built with cob and allow space for urban agriculture. To his delight one of the project organisers presented him with a business card and an invitation to participate in the project.

I have mixed feelings about this project. A part of me hate to see our suburb stripped of trees and horses, densified and covered in concrete. On the other hand, people in the townships live in terrible conditions and deserve better housing. I believe change always presents opportunity and would love this project to create sustainable living spaces.

On arriving home at 10:30 we took the dogs for a run and created some anxiety for a night watchman with a powerful torch and a fear of late night criminals. I had a restless night.

Friday
The morning was filled with back to back meetings and my boss requested that I cancel my lunch plans to attend another planning session. My co-worker and I sneaked of early. The late afternoon was spent lounging under a tree with Florian and the dogs.

We were joined for supper by two women whom I've long wanted to introduce to each other. The one gave up a diplomatic career to run a small NGO providing support for aids orphans and vulnerable women. She works herself into the ground trying to run a one women show.
*

The other is a German economist who married an Afrikaans man and is slowly going out of her mind in a conservative Afrikaans suburb where the women discuss hairdressers and nail varnish.

It was a wonderful evening. The economist sat stroking her pet snake. Florian’s brother’s three year old Gabrielle would run up to it shriek, stroke it, shriek and run off again. The two women exchanged business cards and will hopefully be working together in future.
*
A run with the dogs after everyone left and off to bed.

Saturday
I joined Florian’s martial arts class after which we did our weekly shopping. On our return we passed out and slept till 5:00. A friend came by and we had supper with Florian’s brother.

+

We forgot about our career ritual but will dance around the flames next Saturday.

Sunday
We slept till 10:00 and cuddled till 11:00 followed by a Florian cooked breakfast.
*
I should be studying but could not resist the blogging urge another day.
**
So here I am. I might be scarce for the next couple of weeks but I will try publishing a picture and or thought and dropping in for comments whenever I can.

*)
Exhausted I might feel but my heart is full of hope and plans. Once they are closer to manifesting, I will invite them to shyly unfold here.

Moments of truth

After finishing the post below I go outside. I lay down and look at the sky and listen to the trees. My friends join me, their fur blending into the colour of the leaves they burrow into. Fey sings a song into my ear, her fur warm and thick and all around. The sun kiss my nose. Arjun laughs. And all is as it should be

Conflicting Truths

Thank you all for the comments to my last post. Each arrival was a small gift in my day. Each word spoke to me.
*

I know I have been scarce but every moment not working have been spend on assignments and trying to catch a quite moment.

I am confused and confounded by my own mind.

I am filled with hope that things will get better and fear that they won't.

I admire myself for getting here, for keeping on trying and for dreaming yet I get impatient at myself for being "negative" and not having all the right answers.

In not wanting to stay am I lacking trust and courage? Or am I lacking trust in courage by not leaving immediately?

Is there a switch somewhere in myself that is just a little stiff and with a bit of co-operation from my side can be flicked for everything to be ok? For a light to go on an illuminate an unknown part of me that I will miss out by refusing to look deeper, to try harder?

Is my hatred of my job a sign that my work does not suit me or a sign that there is something I am not seeing. A way of being I am not prepared to accept?

I hear the voices of every self-help book read, jostling with Buddhist, Hindu and Sufi readings. Add to this the opinions of my co-workers, ex therapists, friends, mother, current therapist, every book read and all my own realisations and things get very noisy inside my head. My response is to drown out the voices with lists of to dos.

I woke up this morning in a panic because I realised my speeding tickets are probably still posted to my old address. In South Africa you can get arrested at the side of the road and spend the week-end in jail for unpaid tickets. I know this panic is unconstructive but it refuse to listen to the voice of reason.

I breathe into the fear. I allow myself to feel it. I'm realising that allowing the feelings and thoughts to rise and subside is maybe the only way to deal with things right now.

But oh how I wish I could hold onto the right answer that all my therapists can see as clear as the noses on their faces and push all this aside. And the world will be filled with a golden light and admiration for my own courage will flood through me and all will be well.

I know that it seems obvious to follow my own truth stay with the feelings and move through things. But in the past self-pity has blinded me to a brighter future.

My heart answers. Hold on to compassion. Compassion for myself because right now I don't know. Even though I wish I did.

*

Things are never black and white but multi-faceted. Many old and new beliefs, inside and outside triggers and dreams and fears form the windows through which I view life. Wanting to understand each one is to always stare at the glass, ignoring the dance of life outside.

I turn my back and Arjun chews through my notes. Reminding me they are only words.

I hold on to courage. It lives in my heart as a small golden solidness. One day at a time. Trusting that I can. Dealing with what is in front of me only. Not worrying too much about the big esoterically questions.

*

I will keep hunting for another job because that is where my future is leading me. Because I need time to really listen to friends, love my wolves, play with Florian, write, take photos, study and to just be.

But I will try to not shut out the good things I have at my job right now. To be quite and listen to acceptance. And to be kind to myself when things get too much.

And I will keep sneaking off to read blogs. Because your stories fill me with courage, wonder and laughter. It reminds me that life has many faces, that today I am staying at home to do an assignment but tomorrow I could be meeting my daughter in Paris. Each moment is what it is and should be experienced in full.

I would have enjoyed turning this into a more polished piece of writing and playing with my pictures, moving them around and finding their perfect spot but I can no longer ignore the call of the assignment. And poetry needs time.

And so it goes..

Late night. Little sleep.

Not wanting to get up. Bit of crying under the duvet.

*

Driving to energy healing session. Wishing I could step out of this life and into another. With lots of green things and a white owl sitting in a tree.

A lot of crying when I arrive. Before I even open my mouth. The more my teacher said focus on the future the harder I cry. Eventually I say it. I don't want to try. I know I should but I don't want to go back to work. I want to go home and just stay very still.

I focus my whole being on another future. One that does not have to make sense. One where I will have time to just be.


And then I drive back to work where I'm sure my colleagues tried hard not to wonder too much.

But I realised. I do not have to do this job. I do not need all the money I earn. I have enough money saved up to get a job in a indigenous nursery should I want to. I have been believing that I have to change over slowly. But I don’t. And I don’t have to like sitting in an office.

Wolf kisses, photos of the sunset and a walk into and under a dusks curtain. White trees standing. The ridgeback Leila almost one with the road. Just one shade more orange. And everywhere autumn silhouettes in black fluttering their leaves against pink clouds.

Patience.

The unedit post - better late than never

My post represents the jumble that was my week.

Insomnia and work, meetings at seven in the morning, class till nine at night. Assignments to finish. New ways of thinking. Small victories over self. Compassion towards myself when I need it. Letting arguments drift away rather than pinning them down.

A friend did not get the job she wanted. Both me and Florian have the flu. I had two assignments to finish this weekend. Both interesting. One on strategies to actively engage with text while reading. The other on the key points and strengths and weaknesses of psychodynamics versus behaviourism.

"Final truths do not seem to be given to us finite human beings, except perhaps in mathematics"

Ten Theories of Human Nature - Leslie Stevenson & David L Haberman

Last night there was a lot of lightning and a little rain. This morning a slight mistiness in the air and the smell of wet leaves. In the afternoon the remaining yellow leaves turn the sky into the blue of a kimono.

I am learning to be patient. Not to panic that I'll get stuck in the frenzy of being, that I will loose my way back. I listen quietly to the wind through the trees and the small put powerful voice of my heart.

I'm a bit late with the nomination of five blogs that make me think but I would like to mention them anyway. All eight of them.

NotSoSage Even though she was the one who nominated me, my list would not be complete without her. She makes me question and challenge established ways of thinking.

Thailand gal She is always honest and real and full of interesting contradictions.

One plus two I owe Jen so much. For introducing me to a new blogging world, for giving social responsibility a human heart and for sharing moments of pure joy.

La vie en Rose She writes poetry that makes my heart turn over. My recent favourites: The body knows and A place with no roads.
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My Marrakesh A new discovery writing from Morocco. Her posts and accompanying photographs remind me how beautiful life can and should be. Like finding a small Persian carpet rolled up and tucked into the post box.

Waiting on the front porch The heart of a lioness. Courage in facing the small battles that make up the everyday and reflecting their magic back into her words.

Third Story Nothing I could say will truly convey the honesty and empathy of Emily's poems.

Little Pea She keeps me smiling which I really need right now.

Forgive me the briefness of this post. My brain is refusing to think deeply tonight and I would like to humour her. She deserves it.

But one day soon I will live the below. Every day.

“It is simply your flawless, present awareness, cognizant and empty, naked and aware”

The Tibetan book of living and dying - Sogyal Rinpoche