Conflicting Truths

Thank you all for the comments to my last post. Each arrival was a small gift in my day. Each word spoke to me.
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I know I have been scarce but every moment not working have been spend on assignments and trying to catch a quite moment.

I am confused and confounded by my own mind.

I am filled with hope that things will get better and fear that they won't.

I admire myself for getting here, for keeping on trying and for dreaming yet I get impatient at myself for being "negative" and not having all the right answers.

In not wanting to stay am I lacking trust and courage? Or am I lacking trust in courage by not leaving immediately?

Is there a switch somewhere in myself that is just a little stiff and with a bit of co-operation from my side can be flicked for everything to be ok? For a light to go on an illuminate an unknown part of me that I will miss out by refusing to look deeper, to try harder?

Is my hatred of my job a sign that my work does not suit me or a sign that there is something I am not seeing. A way of being I am not prepared to accept?

I hear the voices of every self-help book read, jostling with Buddhist, Hindu and Sufi readings. Add to this the opinions of my co-workers, ex therapists, friends, mother, current therapist, every book read and all my own realisations and things get very noisy inside my head. My response is to drown out the voices with lists of to dos.

I woke up this morning in a panic because I realised my speeding tickets are probably still posted to my old address. In South Africa you can get arrested at the side of the road and spend the week-end in jail for unpaid tickets. I know this panic is unconstructive but it refuse to listen to the voice of reason.

I breathe into the fear. I allow myself to feel it. I'm realising that allowing the feelings and thoughts to rise and subside is maybe the only way to deal with things right now.

But oh how I wish I could hold onto the right answer that all my therapists can see as clear as the noses on their faces and push all this aside. And the world will be filled with a golden light and admiration for my own courage will flood through me and all will be well.

I know that it seems obvious to follow my own truth stay with the feelings and move through things. But in the past self-pity has blinded me to a brighter future.

My heart answers. Hold on to compassion. Compassion for myself because right now I don't know. Even though I wish I did.

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Things are never black and white but multi-faceted. Many old and new beliefs, inside and outside triggers and dreams and fears form the windows through which I view life. Wanting to understand each one is to always stare at the glass, ignoring the dance of life outside.

I turn my back and Arjun chews through my notes. Reminding me they are only words.

I hold on to courage. It lives in my heart as a small golden solidness. One day at a time. Trusting that I can. Dealing with what is in front of me only. Not worrying too much about the big esoterically questions.

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I will keep hunting for another job because that is where my future is leading me. Because I need time to really listen to friends, love my wolves, play with Florian, write, take photos, study and to just be.

But I will try to not shut out the good things I have at my job right now. To be quite and listen to acceptance. And to be kind to myself when things get too much.

And I will keep sneaking off to read blogs. Because your stories fill me with courage, wonder and laughter. It reminds me that life has many faces, that today I am staying at home to do an assignment but tomorrow I could be meeting my daughter in Paris. Each moment is what it is and should be experienced in full.

I would have enjoyed turning this into a more polished piece of writing and playing with my pictures, moving them around and finding their perfect spot but I can no longer ignore the call of the assignment. And poetry needs time.