Today my students taught me

that playing games with rocks is an excellent way to become light,

drifting above sadness

until laughter makes a tight raw spot in the heart relax.

That sometimes learning a whole lot of listening skills

is not as important as wanting to know,

and that although acknowledging sadness is good

it is even better when I'm ready to stand inside my sadness

reaching towards light

healing

joy

and love.

Today I feel sad

A friend passed away on Wednesday. We went to her memorial yesterday. Everyone talked about how she touched their lives. I remembered how I felt like I always knew her and how we talked in the garden and I'm filled with a deep sadness because we might never meet again.

Then I remembered what she was like the weeks before her death. Angry and confused and saying hurtful things. Sometimes looking at me with a deep mistrust and a fierce dislike in her eyes.

I wonder why this part of her cannot be honored too.

Today must be spend writing an essay on Xenophobia in South Africa. "Despite the transition from authoritarian rule to democracy, prejudice and violence continue to mark contemporary South Africa." (Xenophobia: A new pathology for a new South Africa? by Bronwyn Harris). I'm not really in the right frame of mind for it. Tears are burning my nose and dripping on my keyboard. My heart feels bruised and vulnerable. I wish there was a place I could find shelter from me for just a day.

A deep quite space filled with the smell of leaves, the sound of rustling wind and a small glimpse of sunshine seen outside the comfortable darkness that surrounds me. Where I can turn around, burrow deeper, scratch my side and stop worrying about the things that make me doubt myself and pull away from life.

Where the root of hatred and fear are enveloped in compassion.

Where dreams are delicate and hope joyful.

Where dreams are filled with the wonder of not knowing.

Where I feel safe enough to care.

And safe enough not to care too much.

Unfurling

Home is where my heart is

I've decided to get a notebook. To write into all the soul searching questions F assures me he dealt with when he was going through his existential crisis at the age of fourteen. Usually I would have shrugged off his words after telling him in no uncertain terms what an insensitive fool he is.

However, lately I have been thinking that maybe I do ponder just a little too much. Although I decided to start talking less and listening more this is proving harder than I thought. How to stop the thorough analysis of my every thought, deed and desire from rolling over my lips?

Maybe if I write them down, as soon as they arise, being deep and meaningful will start feeling like hard work. Overnight I will turn into a light-headed zen fool.

Bliss.

In the meanwhile, while chopping vegetables this evening, sniffing the heady aroma of my chick-pea curry I had a thought.

Just one.

I promise.

Although there is a little intro attached.

For years I have been yearning to meet a wise female teacher. Someone who can show me how to stay compassionate and not get caught up in spiritual clarity. Then an opportunity arose. However, I would need to commit to being away from home for three months. I thought: If I only have a year left to live would I not seize this opportunity with both hands?

Tonight, while cooking and pondering I suddenly realised that if I was really dying I would probably want to spend as much time as I can with those I love. Listening and talking.