courage dear heart

can i let go into the flow of that which i cannot yet know?

 i roll around

in the middle of a shifting moving reality.  

a million faceless voices reflect through the cave of my skull.

i stand on the side thinking

"what the fuck?".

energy course through my body.

each cell dances its own direction.

the static part squeezes its eyes shut.

refusing to acknowledge reality

until it figures out what is going down.

or up. 

the ball of energy in my head paws the ground.

it snorts and leaps forward to kill at the least provocation.

or it pulls back in itself and whimpers.

it cries. it fears. it is angry it is sad.

meanwhile, the ringmaster cracks her whip.

if it is in her head it is under her command.

"be happy" she shouts

and feels exasperated when the beast starts crying.

how do i maintain relationship while my mind rearranges itself?

a prayer

may that which is lost be found.

may that which is broken be healed.

may that which is empty be full.

may that which is forgotten be remembered.

may that which is joy take flight.

may we give birth to that which we long for.

truth and magic

this world of ours

so beautiful 

filled with suffering 

and longing for truth 

can i let go

into the flow

where beauty hides

in mystery

of all that live

and breath

and grow

towards

a place  

 i can not know.

sometimes, when i give up hope i find magic. Falling into my body i sink into a space where  i no longer recognizes truth. suddenly i stand in the middle of a mystery so deep, so unknown that small breaths are all i become. although my body is hard with fear, new and old, i can soften with each breath.  rather than pull back can i invite this moment to sniff my hand and soften my heart? 

The first walk i went for after my miscarriage was fueled with careful sips of air. On the way home i started breathing harder. i tried focusing on moving forward. everything was terribly bright. the green grass, wolf-dogs panting, small water washed pebbles, the air between florian and i. into this landscape a large white bird glides. its wings pulls soft colors back into me, the sky and the water. she is the largest bird i've ever seen. "what bird is this?" i ask florian. "it is a stork" he answers.

one day soon magic will once again fill my womb.

F*ck

in this moment,

after my body has let go of the pain

my mind still reaches for the painkillers.

no not my mind.actually.

my wonderfully logical pragmatic mind made peace

with loosing our seven and a half week fetus

once its hopes were reduced to a red blob in a silver dish.

it remembered its project plans and thought

its better this way.

it is my heart. and the inside of my body. 

that feel hollow. without hope .

left standing.

in the space where possibility still blooms.

not knowing what to think.

i want to go back to sleep.

  fuck, fuck, fuck!