Chasing truths

For the last couple of days I've been digging around for answers.

For truth.

For comfort.

Looking at the autumn sun

dancing across the surface of a leave,

chasing its shadows across the lawn,

I feel found.

I will wait, the answer will come and it will be glorious.

At three in the morning I am filled with resentment.

Five more years of study, exams and assignments.

Dreary lecture halls and nineteen year olds.

Debates around the nature of Freud, time and climate change.

All controlled by tight deadlines.

Yet, I love learning new things.

A whole new world unfolds in my brain.

Information on culture, children and environmental education.

A career unfolding that will change me and my world.

I stumble while trying to keep in sync with time's rhythms.

Where to find the time to do all I want.

To watch clouds chasing their dreams across the sky.

I dream of dance classes and photography classes.

Drawing classes and tea in brightly colored cups.

Time to nurture myself. To just be.

Does a plant pushing through the soil feel at ease?

Or does it push blindly, hoping for a burst of light to suddenly fill its world?

I will keep on extending towards the unknown.

Even if the memory of light sometimes seems like a dream.

Truth be told

I feel uneasy. I don't know why.

Walking through a field hazy with secrets

I concentrate on each step.

I sink into grass up to my knees. It makes a rustling grass sound.

Except for the call of a startled bird everything else is still.

Bright pink and orange clouds soften their voices

and become blue-grey.

With each step I gingerly sink into the lump in my chest.

What is it about?

My attention encourages it to well up in my eyes. My nose burns.

Unshed tears.

Am I tired? Worried? Unsure? Unconnected?

Why is my heart hiding her face from me?

Curiously I don't know and I don't mind that I don't know.

Maybe tomorrow will share a secret with me.

Reality is filled with a strange magic. I can not always feel.

Yet I am always here.

Hormone enhancement therapy

Wolf tails

First I will talk of puppies. The sweet sucking noises they make, their furs like velvet and their faces all scrunched up. The way their personalities are starting to emerge as well as their colors. A soft grey one, a bearlike black one and a rich brown one. All with the tell tale black wolf stripe running across their backs and covering their tails.


Shanti is what I would call a modern mother. She pops her almost two week old puppies onto a hot water bottle and sets of on an adventure. Two days ago while I was at University she dug herself in under the container and could not get out. Luckily Grandma Fey takes her duties more seriously. She lead F towards the squealing motherless babies and then towards her wayward daughter. After F dug Shanti out she got quite a mouthful from Fey.


Next I will talk about Autumn sun sparkling on leaves, dancing across wolf fur and kissing the back of my neck. After a week of cold and rain my heart sings along with it.


With the cold came sleepless nights and enough deadlines to make me cry and think of moving into a meadow somewhere. Every time I make it through a tough patch I am filled with a new respect for my resilience. It is a good feeling. Knowing I can depend on me.


I ended this afternoon taking the dogs for a walk. We climbed up a mountain of soil. Skipped across puddles turned gold by the sun. Watched the world turn under a deep blue autumn sky.

Freedom

I just written my last test and handed in my last essay.

Soon I will return to give puppy and life updates but now supper and bed.

Blessed relief

We lost another puppy on the way to the vet this morning. The other ones, however, were declared perfectly healthy and Shanti is also doing well.


Mother and pups have settled down - no more sad puppy songs.

And this afternoon, while the puppies happily dreamed on a warm water bottle, Shanti came for a run.

Studying and puppy-care are unfortunately keeping me from the Just Posts this month but please go see what Jen, Mad and Su are up to.

Newsflash

Shanti just gave birth to 6 puppies

Portrait of the wolf as a pregnant teenager