I'm doing these wonderful meditations. They teach me to soften myself around all my sensations until they are drifting in a sea of acceptance and compassion.
I have been trying this around my exam fear. A horrible tight feeling in my stomach. Of not having enough time to memorise everything I need to know. Of not being good enough. A tightening of my body, trying to protect me from the fear that comes with having to integrate tons of new stuff into my being.
A strong resistance against studying. Against seeing how much I still need to know. And how little I can remember because my brain is resisting all the way.
Feeling like this it is little wonder that I keep on wondering outside to feed the chickens, walk the dogs, sniff the flowers and listen to the wind in the trees.
If I could relax and open, knowledge and the soft spring breeze could flow into and through me.
During my meditations I relax around these feelings and embrace them. As a result a small, small opening between anxiety's fingers appears. Life sees her change and sashays closer, tapping her feet and swinging her hips.
Endless new possibilities sparkle in the hollows created by her dancing feet. This same fear of life makes getting a job and earning a living seem an endless frightening struggle. As a result I pull away in fear. Now I might try dancing along while her energy flows through me.
Its not about trying to figure out new ways of learning. It is about being in the moment. Living my fear while gently acknowledging it in my heart.
At the first promise of rain I rush outside, holding my camera. Halfway down the garden rains falls down. A puppy dances under my feet, my foot slips on the wet grass and I land on my ass. Hard.
Never mind, I hobble towards the Nautilus where F is already sheltering from the rain. For the next couple of hours we wander around, sharing the bliss of the green things that surrounds us. Exams forgotten, we head out to our favourite Indian restaurant. Such is madness of the first rains of spring.
I'm doing these wonderful meditations. They teach me to soften myself around all my sensations until they are drifting in a sea of acceptance and compassion.
I have been trying this around my exam fear. A horrible tight feeling in my stomach. Of not having enough time to memorise everything I need to know. Of not being good enough. A tightening of my body, trying to protect me from the fear that comes with having to integrate tons of new stuff into my being.
A strong resistance against studying. Against seeing how much I still need to know. And how little I can remember because my brain is resisting all the way.
Feeling like this it is little wonder that I keep on wondering outside to feed the chickens, walk the dogs, sniff the flowers and listen to the wind in the trees.
If I could relax and open, knowledge and the soft spring breeze could flow into and through me.
During my meditations I relax around these feelings and embrace them. As a result a small, small opening between anxiety's fingers appears. Life sees her change and sashays closer, tapping her feet and swinging her hips.
Endless new possibilities sparkle in the hollows created by her dancing feet. This same fear of life makes getting a job and earning a living seem an endless frightening struggle. As a result I pull away in fear. Now I might try dancing along while her energy flows through me.
Its not about trying to figure out new ways of learning. It is about being in the moment. Living my fear while gently acknowledging it in my heart.
Just a quick note to say sorry for falling of the edge without waving. (Thanks Angela for reminding me)
I am busy studying for exams. Due to some very wise person somewhere deciding to cut the University term short by a month, in preparation for the 210 soccer event, I have more work to get through than time to do so.
In the meanwhile I am getting plenty of self forgiveness meditation practice and in the half an hour before falling into sleep I'm sneakily reading a book on how to write poetry.
Forgive the short boringness of this post but the Anthropology of Power and Punishment is impatiently tapping her foot, waiting to be revised. Yikes!
song of surrender
alternately
book of songs - Shabbir Banoobhai
