Late night. Little sleep.
Not wanting to get up. Bit of crying under the duvet.
*Driving to energy healing session. Wishing I could step out of this life and into another. With lots of green things and a white owl sitting in a tree.
A lot of crying when I arrive. Before I even open my mouth. The more my teacher said focus on the future the harder I cry. Eventually I say it. I don't want to try. I know I should but I don't want to go back to work. I want to go home and just stay very still.
I focus my whole being on another future. One that does not have to make sense. One where I will have time to just be.
And then I drive back to work where I'm sure my colleagues tried hard not to wonder too much.
But I realised. I do not have to do this job. I do not need all the money I earn. I have enough money saved up to get a job in a indigenous nursery should I want to. I have been believing that I have to change over slowly. But I don’t. And I don’t have to like sitting in an office.
Wolf kisses, photos of the sunset and a walk into and under a dusks curtain. White trees standing. The ridgeback Leila almost one with the road. Just one shade more orange. And everywhere autumn silhouettes in black fluttering their leaves against pink clouds.
Patience.
14 comments:
Right before I read this post, I was reading an article based on the book by Po Bronson, What should I do with my life?. And right before that, I was reviewing a career test I took yesterday, which revealed that I like science and exerting authority over others. (I think that's just because the "others" I'm with 99% of the time are age 4 and 1.)
The article focused on 5 points:
1. from your fears come misconceptions;
2. don't wait for clarity;
3. if you're not happy, leave;
4. Experience speaks for itself;
5. Never give up.
Hel, that is a liberating realisation. I feel chained to my work right now, but I'm the primary bread-earner and don't have the liberty to make those choices. We're taking turns, and I'll get to it. I wish you the best in figuring out where you're headed (and I got really excited when you mentioned working in an indigenous nursery...that's cool).
this is beautiful. and it's true. you don't have to like what you are doing now. you can do something that speaks better to your soul.
you have choice. you have choice. you have choice.
Hel, my comment here got too long and I had to delete it the first time. My "comment" is a post today on my site. LOL
Peace,
~chani
Isn't it so empowering to know that you can just walk away? The choice is yours and in that knowledge you are free.
Claim your life. We never know how long anyone's will be, so waiting for an opportune time could be dangerous. It's certainly wasteful.
Every day as a free person is worth the cost, whatever it is. You deserve to do what you love and to be who you really are.
I'm new here by way of Chani, but I'd like to come back.
It sounds like you know what you want.
Marvelous revelation. And no, you don't have to like that job.
It's very good to know that one has freedom of choice.
Your muse was loud today, wasn't she? You entrance me with your words.
I love the way you use your photography with writing. I think there is something about the images of landscape that complement your words so beautifully. This was beautiful (as always)
Don't wait too long to stop doing something that is sucking the life out of you and draining the joy from your soul. It's not worth it. I lost eight years of my life that way and I'm so sorry that I allowed myself to come up with so many reasons not to leave or that it just wasn't the right time to leave etc. Fearful lies my own brain used to keep me down.
There's too steep a price to pay for continuing to do things that aren't true to who you are.
Wolf kisses are the best remedy for any situation. I've been out so it'll take me a little while to get caught up with you. I hope things are going well for you. I'm going through something similar, myself. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to 'be'. I thought I wanted one thing but turns out, I don't want it at all. So it's either go back to school and learn til I figure out something else or have a baby and do the mom thing.....or do neither. I'm lucky enough to not be in the position of 'provider' right now. It's sad to feel chained to a job, a role, a life that doesn't bring happiness.
oh hel ~ i hear you. i'm sending a big warm hug as you make the decision i know will be best for you.
oh darling girl, I do so understand. Even when we are not trapped, we feel trapped some how. Change is hard, even when it is for the better.
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