A mood grabs me, slips down the lump in my throat and starts turning and turning in my stomach. It is digging for truth sending earth flying, making my heart choke.
I build careful mental constructs against depression possession. I roll into a small ball. Logic runs the show.
In the middle of the night I question myself mercilessly. I turn thoughts this way and that not stopping until I cry.
I relax and fall into a deep lake of sadness. I roll a stone into the exit. Confusion is left outside. The water laps gently. I come up gasping for light. I’m trapped in my sadness. I can not recognize truth.
I run and run from depression until I am so tired. I turn every thought this way and that.
And then one morning I wake up. I lay down my arms knowing that I cannot control my being. A butterfly flaps her wings in my heart and a hurricane starts in my head. I close my eyes. and My heart opens and embraces not-knowing. My eyes are full of tears, my heart is scared, my body is restless. I breathe into my toes. Deeply.
Five hours later. Alive, awake. My dogs are eating. Outside the wind is blowing. Yellow flowers catch the sun.
2 comments:
The human species need to find the gene that controls the ability to lay awake at night thinking, and selectively breed it out of us ;-)
I've had many a Red Bull fueled morning because I spent the whole night on the mental jungle gym that you describe so perfectly.
I came to the conclusion - I cannot control my being.
How distressing, to know that you cannot control the vessel that carries you. I don't want the plunges into the abyss and the dances under dark clouds that some indeterminable piece of my being is endlessly fascinated by. And yet I'm dragged along by it. How can part of me always flit away from my attempts to pin it down, examine it under the light and figure out what to do with it anyway? It can because it can bring the shutters down, shut out truth and intelligent thought, use tricks of the dark to steer me away from realizing what is.
When I wake up, I live again. There is a day ahead, structure, things to do. It is light.
When you find out how to draw that external light into your inner self you can take away the shadows and tricks of the dark that that part of you can use to lead you to depression.
Thank you for your beautiful reply
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