Lately I have been feeling irritated, disconnected and wanting to be alone. Each night before going to sleep I sort through small grudges accumulated during the day and each morning when I wake up I resort dream memories and feelings of uneasiness.
In order to reconnect to me I started rediscovering my breath, silence and nature. I was hoping to slip away from my discontent into the moment where beauty and breath stretches into the eternity of the now.
Instead I realize that the discontent is part of me. It is not something I can run away from. It is something I have to settle into. To interact with the world using every little bit of me, even the fragments I don’t like.
I am not a small piece of perfection trying to break through layers of the unknown. I hold my breath, hoping to break through the surface into a clear morning.
However, I forget that I am made up of the unknown. By trying to ignore me I miss out on being me. I miss out on the moment when my separation joins the dance of the yellow leaf and the wind.
I forget that I am the mud and the water and the sky and the moon and the rain and the sun and the wind and the small rock in the corner of my shoe.
For the last couple of years I have been working though a book using the tarot as points on the Qabalah’s Tree of Life. Last night I decided I am ready to start the path of the moon.
The path of the moon is about the “working together of the millions of cells of the physical organism”. It is about the mysteries of breathing, sleeping and the beating of our hearts. It is about venturing into the great unknown while allowing our animal self, our inner wolf and dog to lead us.
It is about taking refuge in meditation and “build[ing] your own dreams and aspirations so strongly into your own flesh and blood that they ooze out of your body to become concrete in the world. “
Archetypes on the tree of life – The tarot as path work. Madonna Compton.
Sigh. It sounds scary yet wonderful. I will go to sleep and see what happens.
And this morning I wake up and read this and this and this post. And my heart quivers and says yes. I am ready for the journey.
13 comments:
i am too, friend. i am too. take my hand and i'll pull you forward and you teach me how to fly.
Me too, love. Me too.
Yes.
I forget that I am the mud and the water and the sky and the moon and the rain and the sun and the wind and the small rock in the corner of my shoe.--I love it. I want to always remember. We all forget.
"Instead I realize that the discontent is part of me. It is not something I can run away from. "
This quote makes me ache with the truth of it. I am always trying to run from it, too. But it is scary (for me) to stop and embrace it. . .
"I was hoping to slip away from my discontent into the moment where beauty and breath stretches into the eternity of the now."
And then the part that christine quoted. Ah. Beautiful.
I'm just reading through all your posts since the beginning of the month and though I'm not writing much I drink everything in, your words, and the feelings, and the pictures, and I feel deeply touched and happy.'
(And I'll make a note of that book on tarot though I promised myself not to buy any new tarot book until I had read the old ones. I'm still hoping that the knowledge will arrive in my mind and heart through osmosis. Put a book on the shelf and have instant enlightenment. But of course it doesn't.)
Of course, you are right on target and you've expressed it just right.
You are ready. :)
Peace,
~Chani
You are amazingly self-aware. I'm going to print this post out and keep it on my crowded desk!
'...and the small rock in the corner of my shoe.' that little bit speaks well about discontent, or the feeling of discontent.
I've always thought it was about the journey and not the arrival.
i'm new to you, but this is gorgeous and resonates so deeply. wow.
You are so wise, woman. Joe and I spoke this weekend about letting Mme L be angry with us and how I am struggling with that because I don't allow myself to be angry, much of the time. This was important for me to read.
I wish you luck on the path of the moon. I hope to tag along, too.
The trick is to be able to look at yourself, all of you, the good and the bad, the light and the dark and see yourself with compassion and accept yourself with compassion. You don't have to be perfect, you can just be. There is no need to change.
You certainly live in a place of beauty. I hope that you did well on your exam.
I have heard of a connection between the taro and the tree of life. One thing that might be helpful to you is something my partner and I started doing a few months ago. Before we go to sleep each night, we tell each other three things for which we were grateful that day. It sets a positive mood for a good night's sleep and it seems to carry into the next day.
Jesus you people are hippies
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