Earlier this evening I was listening to Yazoo. I closed my eyes and listened very carefully to her voice until all thought was gone. Suddenly I’m 17 listening to the same music. With all the strange thoughts and feelings that filled my reality.
Just for an instance. Then I’m me at 35 again. It feels strange to be a person from the past being observed by the new me. We are two separate people yet also the same. Where are memories stored? Somewhere in my brain my past waits for the keys to unlock her thoughts, emotions and sensations.
She is nervous and uncertain yet her world is filled with beauty. I wish I can save her from her future. More and more drugs and allowing herself to be abused by anyone she hopes will love her.
Until all the beauty and sadness is gone. Just a grey curiosity is left. An inability to feel deeply, to relate to paintings, music, friends, nature, love. Her empathy with her world is gone.
For years.
Until I started the journey back to myself.
It took a long time.
I am so deeply grateful I found my way back.
I am still her yet more.
I know someone who is doing what she believes in. If you have not yet seen Jen's post about Open Arms please go have a look.
10 comments:
Oh hel, I am so grateful, too honey. So grateful.
Every visit here blows me away. What a beautiful photo essay.
A while back, when those letters from future selves were circulating, I just couldn't imagine...I don't know how I got from she to me, I don't know how I will get from me to she.
Maiden-Mother-Crone. I long for the wisdom.
Why did this make me want to cry? Every time i visit here i am so moved. So moved.
Like flutter (my dear, sweet flutter) I am grateful too.
This spoke. We all heard it.
i know what you mean. and i am still on the journey back and don't expect to arrive till the day of my death. sounds doomy? not to me, it feels exciting.
And look at all you brought with you. the eyes wide open the heart ready.
open to greater possibilities.
it's like your words speak for so many of us, the subtle easing open of your soul and laying it in the grass, looking it over while it warms in the sun.
i am grateful for you, sister.
I think we all go through this multiple times in our lives, at each passage. But it all leads to where we are. :)
Peace,
~Chani
This is something I hope I can recapture and continue to understand when my own little girl is 15 or 17 or 21. I am feeling the grey curiousity, but I really want to recall the turmoil so I can at least nod my head, if nothing more.
Beautiful, hel, as always.
Na 'n baie lang tyd is ek terug.Ek het sommer 'n knop in my keel gekry. Ek is trots op jou en als wat jy oorkom het.En dat jy nooit ophou probeer nie.Dis dalk al wat belangrik is.
I'm glad you found your way back too. If only we could all go back and talk to our teenage selves....
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