Today was tiring.I close the cubicle door behind me. The walls smell of disinfectant and floral spray. I want to cry. I breathe deeply. I want to understand. I get up. I sit back down. I breathe. I ask for guidance.
I came home and curled up in our cob building. Surrounded by thick earthen walls I allowed life, followed by pins and needles, to flow back into my numb brain.
I walk with Florian. Late afternoon shadows dance through leaves. I pick up a black bug and watch his wings vibrate. The wind whispers softly. Trees shiver with delight.
I stroke Fey's beautiful grey fur. I sniff the hollow in Florian's neck. I talk to my sister. Although I’m still almost too tired to write my heart is light.
“May the precious bodhi mind
Not yet born arise and grow;
May it have no decline,
But increase forever more.”
5 comments:
Nice post, the photos go with it perfectly.
Ever wonder what it's all for?
Did you receive any guidance?
Sjoe, tough questions.
For me it is all about sharpening focus and seeing the posibilities hiding behind each moment. It is about remembering how to trust, love, feel and have fun. It is about believing in a future which I have only recently dicovered.
I have to believe that all I am going through right now will bring me closer to the above. Because in the past it always did.
And yes I received guidance. For a few moments I was able to sense the posibilities.
I envy the beautiful life you have, the dogs, you partner and the wonderful place you live.
It's all relative really, people envy my living in Cape Town (sic).
I've recently discovered a fresh way of handling work, and I will get to test it out in the bigs when I lead a project to bring a newsroom team of 30 very busy people to a point where we all know what they want their systems to do and what we're going to do to get them that.
This way is very simple - walk into work every morning humble and knowing that I am going to learn a lot of stuff today, and that I haven't discovered the best way to do things yet.
It has unravelled that tight, white ball of anger that pops up just behind my eyes every time somebody asks a stupid question or do a stupid thing. I am reminded that nobody knows the best way to do things. I discover a better way with the question asker. My experience and theirs. I do have a lot of experience in my field; my experience often make up the bulk of what we do. But I don't let my pride in what I am and what I know dictate how I react.
Turned out the tight white ball was more pride than anger.
I still go home some days feeling like my brain first sprouted thorns that are prickling the inside of my skull and then turned to cotton wool. I sometimes still need a deep, deep breath that hurts my chest because tight anger and deep breaths don't go together.
I don't need them so often, though. That's something.
Sometimes I still want to reach over the boardroom table and smack a smug manager-type before slamming said person face first into the surface while growling "How-can-you-be-so-stupid?" or "This-is-not-where-you-show-off-your-power-with-dumb-decisions-that-cripple-the-project-this-is-where-you-listen-to-people-with-more-experience-in-this-field-than-you'll-ever-have!"
Slowly I am getting better at letting that tight white ball go before it damages me.
I hope that disassociating with that tight white ball will bring me closer to the tranquility I desire. The tranquility keeps telling me I cannot approach it while I am a serf to that tight white ball, part-time or no.
I can listen. I can learn to see the layers behind the moment, now that the tight white ball doesn't always pretend that it is everything anymore.
i love the whimsy of that first picture. it contrasts with the feelings of overwhelmedness you wrote of.
griffon's advice was pretty spectacular, too.
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