I’m feeling distracted and sad today. When I woke up I felt deliciously unfased by having to get up and go to work. I had to talk myself through getting dressed, feeding the dogs (I arrived in the kitchen and stared at the table for a while wondering why am I here). Then the holiday feeling turned into an irritation with not being able to lay down and go back to sleep. I started snapping at my boyfriend and the dogs. Add to this a feeling of guilt at being a difficult person to live with. Stir a few times and add back on top the thick cream of floaty-ness I woke up with and there I am driving to work in my little red car.
While driving I start feeling bad about always being irritable and wanting everything to go my way. I sank down into the part of me that are without defences and wants to be whole. Once I sat there for a while I turned around and looked at the irritation me again. And right there while shooting past and then in front of the Simba truck on my right it dawns on me.
I feel irritated and cross and think everyone around me is an idiot when I feel like a shell-less snail. Imagine this snail heading for a little heap of mouldy leaves to metaphorically lick it’s wounds under and suddenly there is someone else standing in between her and her sanctuary. Someone she might need to impress. Someone she wants to amaze. What can she do but bare her teeth and slither faster, never taking her eyes off her goal – a soft dark place to hide in till a mental shell has been reconstructed.
This is a big realisation for me. I have recently changed careers paths and companies and have therefore been feeling very vulnerable. The result: I have been grumbly and fault finding with everyone and everything around me. And suddenly there is the possibility of escape, of letting go of what my teeth are holding on to and running towards someone with my tail wagging.
While driving I start feeling bad about always being irritable and wanting everything to go my way. I sank down into the part of me that are without defences and wants to be whole. Once I sat there for a while I turned around and looked at the irritation me again. And right there while shooting past and then in front of the Simba truck on my right it dawns on me.
I feel irritated and cross and think everyone around me is an idiot when I feel like a shell-less snail. Imagine this snail heading for a little heap of mouldy leaves to metaphorically lick it’s wounds under and suddenly there is someone else standing in between her and her sanctuary. Someone she might need to impress. Someone she wants to amaze. What can she do but bare her teeth and slither faster, never taking her eyes off her goal – a soft dark place to hide in till a mental shell has been reconstructed.
This is a big realisation for me. I have recently changed careers paths and companies and have therefore been feeling very vulnerable. The result: I have been grumbly and fault finding with everyone and everything around me. And suddenly there is the possibility of escape, of letting go of what my teeth are holding on to and running towards someone with my tail wagging.
1 comment:
I sometimes get the feeling that I live in flatland and that at any given moment, like the flip of a coin, I can go from loving everything to hating everything. Wayne Dyer writes about a St. Francis of Assissi prayer that says 'where there is hate, sow love'. It actually works. But only when I'm feeling virtuous. I get a bloodymindedness at times that WANTS to be moerig. There's a fire and aliveness in anger that is really very appealing. And being scared can make me feel very cheecky. But why do we feel so bad about this?
I like your writing - can totally resonate
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