Life in South Africa

I know, I'm supposed to be out of here. But this was too good not to share.



For more see Zapiro

I was hoping to write a last post before disappearing for my two week permaculture course.

But it is 9:36 in the evening and I still have to pack.

I'll make up for it when I'm back.

Look after yourselves.

Stepping off the cliff

For Jen and every-one who wants to or have recently happily stepped into nothingness.


I have a confession to make. For the last couple of days I have been mooning about, crying, fighting with Florian, suffering from hay fever, worry, depression and insomnia. I became convinced that my life sucks and fantasized about leaving it all to go live in a meadow on my own.


However, as soon as I realized that I needed Florian's help with building a meadow house, I started crying all over again. Finally, after reading the quote below by Dan Price, and deciding in the early hours of the morning to take things one step at a time, knowing that each step in bringing me closer to what I want, I feel oh so much better. I am even singing along with Bob Marley.


"Some of us are born with unrealizable and unattainable dreams. They push and pull our beings through life like a pack of wild dogs on the end of a hundred straining leashes. But just coming to realize that some of those dreams could be a reality can be the first big step in a person coming of age. Then comes an even scarier part, where those subtle voices that emanate from hidden pockets in the universe all around, ask you to step of cliffs!


Having the guts to do so may be the biggest test of all. It seems that everywhere some of us look we see hints and signs of a better way. A way that is however contrary to the accepted "belief system". Many and even most of your family and friends will contend that the safe course lies with the herd. "Security" is coveted like a Olympic flame and carried aloft for all to see. "Conventionality" has become societies mantra scratched deep and hard into stone.


There are a few pioneers however. Souls who feel the pull of the cliff's edge more keenly and when no one is looking, leap off, falling, falling. It is the most free they will ever feel. But don't search for their remains there amongst the boulders below, because the very faith that convinced them to jump from that precipice, quietly caught them half way down and took them to a whole new place.


A new world bright with endless possibility. A land where fear is welcomed and walked into rather than avoided. These people discover an unknown secret about life and are forever changed. Some have become legends. Some simply die."
Radical simplicity - Dan Price, http://www.moonlight-chronicles.com/


It never cease to amaze me how terrible I can feel the one day and how absolutely fine the next. Like I'm two people.

August Just Posts

I recently read an article about how the actual structure and wiring of the brain changes because of thought processes. Two groups of people were studied. One group spend five days playing the piano while the second group merely imagined themselves playing. When tests were done to see how the part of the brain responsible for motor activity was affected, it was found that the part of the motor cortex which controls piano playing fingers were equally expanded for both groups.


"As scientists probe the limits on neuroplasticity, they are finding that mind sculpting can happen even without input from the outside world. The brain can physically change as a result of the thoughts we think."


The article goes on to explore a study done with two groups of depressive patients at the University of Toronto. Fourteen patients were taught to think differently about for example a failed date. Instead of viewing it as proof that they will never be loved they were encouraged to acknowledge a failed date as a minor setback.

The second group received an antidepressant. Both groups perceived an improvement after treatment. When brain imaging tests were done on the patients taught to think differently, it revealed their brain activity patterns changed. Activity in the part of their brains responsible for reasoning, logic, and endless ruminations about a failed date, had decreased while the brain's emotional centre showed an increase in activity.
How the brain rewires itself. Sharon Begley, February 2007.


So what does all of this have to do with social responsibility?


I would like to argue that patterns of social behaviour might resemble the neurological wiring of our brains. There seem to be a correlation between a depression patient's inability to overcome a negative thought pattern, and the way modern society seem unable to stop behavioural patterns from spiralling out of control.

Like a depression patient, obsessing about a failed date, we are often overwhelmed by the hopelessness of reinventing a world gone crazy. Human rights violations, crime, child abuse, poverty, disease and environmental issues are all increasing, yet it seems that we have no power to change things.


Nevertheless, I believe that we should not underestimate the power of the individual and small, seemingly insignificant, actions. If we can use conscious thoughts to influence subconscious patterns, can we not also use conscious actions to change unconscious societal behaviours? Changing our thought patterns regarding future posibilities and learning to respect the humanity of those around us might well change the structure of our society.


We could start by dreaming about a different future. Each night before we fall asleep we could visualise a new tomorrow. We can discuss this future with our friends, our family, our children and the person waiting next to us at the bus stop. We can write about it in our blogs, on the pages of our journals, and in our hearts.


We can also respect all things, including ourselves. Recognising our commonalities might make it easier to acknowledge our shared humanity. The Dalai Lama points out that the two principles uniting all living things are the desire for happiness and the fear of suffering. Everything we do, we do in order to attain happiness and avoid suffering.

The recognition of common humanity empowers us to let go of the human need to classify, judge, compete and fear. The "other" then becomes an ally in the quest to rewire current social structures. On the other hand, treasuring our differences enables us to learn and grow through shared conversations.


However, conversations can only change us if we are able to acknowledge the person obscured by stereotypes of gender, race, culture and maybe even their choice of shoes. When we are silent and we listen, we allow the other person to emerge from the stereotypes. This kind of listening requires patience and effort from both parties.


Often when wanting to change the world, we imagine that we have to do significant things such as to find a cure for Aids, work for grassroots organisations, fight against poverty and human rights violations, go to University and completing our master's thesis on sustainable energies, or become a therapist who works with traumatised children.

Although there is great value in these roles, I believe that small actions such as imagining a different future, respecting others for who they are, learning from shared conversations and building networks of like minded people, are the actions which will ultimately change the mental and behavioural patterns of our society. The morality of our souls emerges at least as clearly in the way that we do the everyday, seemingly insignificant things.


For me the Just Posts allows us to have conversations that matter. Therefore, please join me in listening to the August Just Post voices. And tonight, when it is quiet, listen to the song of your own heart.


The Writers
Bon at Crib Chronicles with Blessings
Crazymumma with If I'm going to talk the talk...
Cecilieaux with blogging last word, who is anglo, people of 1066 and portal for billionaires
Jangari with more on squandered funds and stuart highway robbery
Maypole with false hope and i know what it means to love
Denguy with boyo man
Jen with what a long strange trip it's been, national news and side by side
Alejna with some of my best friends are republicans
NoMotherEarth with about a boy
Urban-Urchin with disposable people
Emily with miscarriage of justice
Kevin with Jena 6
MBT with things you get nekkid for
Vera with dominator tentacles
Packaging girlhood with increased suicide rates among teen girls
Lex with compassion
Kitchen Fire with postscript
Aliki with disparity
Gwen with feed your head
From the Front Lines with philanthropy thursday
Flutter with the morning commute and What Should Flutter Cook?
Stumbling and Mumbling with you know you're a conservative when and the tangible harm of inequality
Izzy with forgive my bluntness but i hate george bush
11D with bob herbert morphs into david brooks
MOTR with enough
Janet with my grass roots are showing
Eden with some animals are more equal than others
Acukiki at Sticking to the Point with Follow Your Dreams
African Fragments with Sisters Can Do it For Themselves
Christine at Running on Empty When I Grow Up
Ewe with Baaaaad Party, Baaaaad Party and A Sunday Not-So-Funny...
Fortune and Glory with What fills us up makes us whole again and Today as I hold my head...
Gary with Homeless
Gettin' it wrong with Twisty Slides, Twisted Logic and Olivia
Jen at One Plus Two with Teaching Fish to Swim, I Was Interviewed by National News, side by side and What a Long, Strange Trip Its Been
KC with Colorless, II*
La vie en Rose with It's the body...always the body
Latoya Peterson at Racialicious with 4th Generation Racist: Can you be anti racist if you're anti-white?
Lia with Pensioned Serenity
Maddie at Persisting Stars with Someone with sky and birds in his heart
Nina Smith with Books Review: On My Own Two Feet
Open Synergy with Darwin's Jihad-A Luta Continua
Snigdha Sen with Streets Are For Walking, Stop Stalking
Suzanne Reisman with The Real Story: Attack Of The Predatory Lenders On Single Women Homeowners
Susanne at Creative Mother Thinking with Housework for Children and Being Sick Shouldn't Make you Bankrupt
Thailand Gal with Katrina put me over the edge, Repeat ch-ch, repeat-ch-, and Your silence will not protect you
Tired Mommy with Learning what we live
The World's Yours To Live!! with The World of Peace
Wayfayer Scientista with Seasonal Goodbyes and Working against cultural biogotry


The readers
Jess
Thordora
Cecilieaux
Chani
sober briquette
Alejna
KC
Christine
Catherine
Aliki
Sarah
Karen
Mad
Jen
Hel
Susanne


Lastly please join me in lifting a glass to three awesome women: Susanna, Mad and Jen are hosting this table with me. There are plenty more snacks and cold beer on their side.

Pondering on my worries I suddenly realize that, once again, I have forgotten to be lighthearted. To laugh at my fears with trust. Because every thing always works out fine. To rejoice in all that I have accomplished instead of worrying about future losses.


I have forgotten that life is supposed the be fun. Luckily these posts by Maurey Pierce, Maddie and Mahima (whom I discovered on Maddie's site) were excellent reminders.


If I approach my work with a heart heavy with responsibility how can my dreams take flight? But if I am excited at the idea of learning new things and new ways of being surely I can looked forward to shared laughter rather than shared grumbles.


So in the spirit of lightheartedness I remind myself that:


One night soon Florian and I will be lounging in front of a fire following dancing patterns of blue, orange, red and yellow across our cob walls. We will talk of our day, of research papers written and tomatoes harvested. A wolf will sigh with satisfaction and roll over.


I look forward to many walks filled with happily bouncing wolves, soft pink sunsets, moonlit paths, the smell of cut grass and the sound of the wind singing to the trees.


The corporate cage has slammed shut, and I am left outside, to fly across a clear blue sky and rest on the edge of a cloud. No more flickering screens, open-plan offices, shared toilets and office politics.


My blog world is filled with a rich tapestry, woven from many words. I peep into worlds filled with passion and generosity of spirit. I read tales that will never end. Organic tales which grow where they will and follow no structure but the flow of their hearts.


Studying at University constantly flings open new doors. Next year I might mix ecology or anthropology with English literary studies and psychology. I don't yet know how but I will enroll as a full time student.


It is spring. Everything outside is turning green. Flowers allow their perfumes to float lazily on the breeze. Soon I will be swimming through cool waters, watching the sun dance all around me. Floating on my back, turning on my stomach and laying in the sun. Friends and I will eat watermelon and talk and talk and talk.


For two week I will be attending a Permaculture course which will take place in a sustainable drylands permaculture eco-village in the Klein Karoo. Early mornings and early evenings, fires and plants, garden planting and design, stars and sunshine. Each night I will return to a small solar powered caravan on a neighboring farm. I will have a hot shower and crawl into bed tired but happy.


My feet are set squarely on the road to my future. Already my world views are challenged with the poetry of reality. My views are constantly becoming more flexible and compassionate. Constantly I learn how to love more and better.


Yesterday a pigeon sat on a branch. She seemed to do nothing more than listen to the song of nothingness.

If you go down to the woods today

Reach your long hand out
to another door, beyond where
you go on the street, the street
where everyone one says, “how are you?”
And no one says how aren't you
Rumi


I have been putting off writing this post for the last week. This is due partly to a lack of time allowing me to hunt for elusive ideas, and partly to a fear of saying the wrong thing, of displaying an ignorance regarding the concepts I struggle with.


Once I started turning my fear around and around, sniffing at it from every angle , sticking my head deep under the blankets where no one can see it, and jumping up and down under a tree to make it rise higher I suddenly realised the following.


Often I don't speak my truth because I am afraid to offend, to appear ridiculous and to be rejected. If I get rejected I cannot have what I want. The relationship, the job, the future contact, the admiring comments, the possibility of someone running next to me for a while. So I say what I think others might want to hear, merely hinting at my own truths and needs. Once I am known and trusted, then maybe I could, reveal my true intentions.


Often, before this miracle occurs, I feel used, misunderstood and taken advantage of. I want to escape, to go somewhere where I can be me, I want to hide under the covers.


I now have the ability to grow, learn and change. But in order to do that I must understand this fear. This need to be everything for everyone else. To sometimes push it up through my chest and away and to sometimes let it rest in compassion. To allow myself to be honest about my intentions. To allow myself to turn around when I realise that I have made a mistake, own it and keep walking in what I hope is the right direction.


I am having doubts of my ability to integrate into a community that mistrusts me because of my colour. I am scared that I will give up my dreams in order to make it better for others. I am questioning my motives. Why this need to save others? Is it about me or them? Am I ready? Will I offend? Will I be hurt? Will I end up working from seven in the morning till twelve at night knowing that I am trying to empty a well with a broken bucket?


Isn't it rather selfish to rather want to hide in my garden writing about making a change? Should I rather be working with those who want to work with me? Can I find out why others don't want to work with me? Can I change things? Why should I be allowed to hide in my garden while others have nothing to eat? Are there better ways of addressing the inequalities outside my garden? Will I, god forbid, end up looking like a ignorant, middle-class, white woman? And since this is my socio-economic context is it really such a shameful thing? I don't want fear to stop me from learning.


The answers will turn out to be those I never imagined. Growing up protected from history, critical inquiry and political awareness might result in a fair amount of time spent mumbling past the feet in my mouth. But if I do not ask how will I find answers? If I do not listen carefully to the answers how will I learn? If I cannot learn how will I change?


Jen and Mad have invited Susanne and I to host the just posts on our sides of the world. Knowing that it will encourage me to explore my own voice and those of others I accepted. I will write about my fears and hopes. I will listen to the voices of others. I will carefully research my facts. I will learn. I will respect myself and speak with integrity.


So using Jen's words: "If you have read or have written a post about social justice this month send the link to me at hwagener (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send you the button. You and the post(s) you've shared will be included at our Just Post Roundtable on the 10th and will now be featured on four blogs across the world."


If you would like to find out more about the just posts please reference Jen's post. I will line up my ducks and hopefully by the tenth we will be able to quack for ourselves.