last night i went to bed crying
this morning i woke up crying.
i am so tired.
not knowing how much longer
i can put one foot in front of the other
and keep on going
scares me.
i fight with my partner,
he storms out and leave the two of us alone.
me and the person i now love fiercely.
who makes my heart expand into
more joy than i have ever known.
i cry some more.
waves of sadness hit me when i think
of making lunch
or having to get up
to walk the passage.
up and down.
gently massaging the wind
that rages through a small body
causing my heart,
which i carefully balance on my shoulder,
to cry with rage and pain.
i want to sleep.
or go to the beach. go dancing. make love.
have a bath.
or a cup of tea.
instead i feed her.
as she latches on love pushes against sadness.
we lie down on the bed.
i listen to my neighbors getting on with their lives.
she falls asleep.
an hour later she is still sleeping.
the freedom goes to my head and makes me smile.
yet every now and again i check if she is still breathing.
her smell fills my world.
the memory of her smile makes me stronger.
once more i am ready to walk.
watching my life contracting and expanding.
8 comments:
Sleeping babies are the best!!
Oh, how I do remember these early times! I also lay there crying beside my crying baby girl and wondered how I`d ever cope. At times the feeling of being overwhelmed by the whole situation shook me, but I KNEW I had to carry on. And somehow I did. And then baby girl smiled at me, and my heart danced.
It will become easier, and happier again! Love you, Hele!
I know this time is so difficult. You are so loved and she? well, she is beautiful
Helena, I know. I know. And I have to tell you that this part? This physically and psychically draining part? Where you feel that you are lost in motherhood, and where that part of yourself from before you were a mother is knocking from the other side of a glass wall? It does get easier. You will find yourself within yourself as a mother. But then it gets harder, too. Watching your child negotiate difficulties and hurts and challenges. But then those lovely moments remain...and change, too.
But you will have sleep and energy and distractions to carry you through then. But you are strong and it's so clear that you have so much love in you...
Joe and I admitted that for the first year after our daughter's birth it felt a little like we were business partners more than life partners. That, too, shifts...and you will find yourselves as lovers again. In time.
Sorry, the above is from me, NotSoSage...darn my new Project 365 blog identity.
Babies, children are the hardest thing you'll ever do, loving them, they're also the best thing you'll ever do. And she will eventually sleep, it just feels like never.
Yes. That is how it is. And the weird way the brain is wired - five and a half months down the line and I dont remember the terrible, ear splitting crying as much. What I remember is the way he fell asleep on my breast, and doesnt do that anymore. Your pictures gave me a pang of nostalgia - already! Our hearts will never be the same again. But we are so lucky to have this fiery baptism.
Have you read "A Life's Work - becoming a mother" by Rachel Cusk? Get a copy if you can.
First, she is gorgeous, gorgeous.
Second: Yes. It's aching hard, those first weeks--but hear this too: if it keeps on feeling like you're drowning and the sea doesn't let up and give you time to breath and find your tempo with your partner, it may also be postpartum depression which is real and deep and wide. Hormones do amazing and crazy things, and they can pull you down with them... at the very least knowing this, and having him know too can help... and can help you to ask for help too..
And third: it will pass, it gets, easier, it becomes bearable, then doable, then wonderful. Promise.
Please, I want new pictures and see how it goes! There is a book called, Every child can learn to sleep, in case that is one of the problems. But I`m sure you are learning to listen to your baby, and still find back to yourself. Blessings to you, Hele! Angela
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