Having given myself the evening off from studies in order to blog I find myself staring at the screen considering rather burying my nose in puppy fluff.
These days I find myself dreaming in statistical equations.
The last couple of months have swept me up, tumbled me around and landed me flat on my back with sand in my ears and sea-water up my nose. I feel dislocated yet excited.
Moments of clarity, where my future reaches towards me, dances with moments of doubt, filled with the knowledge that I might never achieve anything.
Feeling this drained of energy scares me. Will it all be worth it? I hope so.
On Monday I decided to study outside. For a moment I let my books fall to the side as my eyes got swept up in the dance of the yellow leave. The sounds of other leaves clapping gently dissolved the grip of looming exams around my heart.
Fear of failure cannot exist underneath a blue autumn sky.
I find myself questioning why I chose a path leading into densely printed text and away from mindless contemplation.
Today I received an answer from the university library:
"I believe that native leaders and activists [...] have taken on a core role of the old shamans, that of protecting their people by cultivating a special knowledge of other worlds. They sense, in a way that the old shaman cannot, how the hidden reality behind the surface of daily appearances has changed.
Instead of the spirits of animals, land, and sky, modern native leaders must understand regional and federal government agencies and international organizations. Like the upper and lower worlds of the shamanic cosmology, the purpose of these bureaucratic worlds are inscrutable to ordinary people, yet they have the power to nurture or destroy them.
A drilling license granted over a community's head to a multinational company can sever the reindeers' migration routes and smother their pasture under devastating oil spills; a nature reserve created with the uncomprehending encouragement of an international wildlife organization can destroy a community and starve the families who are forbidden to catch food in their own home; a nomads' territory mistakenly marked as uninhabited and unused on the plan of a project that does not consult the people can be lost forever.
This is the capriciousness of Bayanay carried into new realms. Where shamans would traditionally 'fly' on reindeer or drums made from their skins to locate wild animals for harvesting and to fend of hostile spirits, these new native leaders fly in aeroplanes between ministries, parliaments, and expert committees, petitioning and bargaining for their communities, making sure a native voice is heard, harvesting new laws about land rights and natural resource management, and remaining ever vigilant for new kinds of threats.
Like shamans, they cannot work alone with their own limited strength but need helper spirits, who include sympathetic scholars, lawyers, and activists in Russian cities and abroad."
The reindeer people - living with animals and spirits in Siberia. Piers Vitebsky
The reindeer people - living with animals and spirits in Siberia. Piers Vitebsky
If I want my children to also enjoy the dance of the wind, I might have to reach towards a new spirituality. Although at times I will be filled with fear and doubt I will continue on my journey. Even when it travels through worlds filled with statistics, empirical evidence and legislation.
I will therefore return to my books tomorrow.
If I listen carefully I might hear the wind
calling me through the turn of the pages.
calling me through the turn of the pages.
For Jen - a shaman flying through lands of bureaucracy .
14 comments:
Oh beautiful girl, how I miss you
oh babe. oh, sister. you made me cry.
(where's my beer now, when i need it so)
...
Darling Hel,
I got so caught up in the thought of the reindeer people. Surely there are the wolf shamans, too?
"Fear of failure cannot exist underneath a blue autumn sky."
So true.
Exactly how I felt yesterday, when exercise, sunshine and alt-country music made all the anxiety just wash away (if only for a brief moment).
And those stats dreams? We should start a support group.
I love you when I can read you.
"considering rather burying my nose in puppy fluff."
Thank you for helping us do that virtually :)
"Fear of failure cannot exist underneath a blue autumn sky." I LOVE these words. Priceless, magical, essential to our well being.
"Fear of failure cannot exist underneath a blue autumn sky."
I think that should be your mantra - I think it might become mine!
There should always be time to stop and smell the puppy fur and lie beneath a perfect blue sky, simply dreaming.
As always, you are so lyrical and beautiful to read! The puppies are getting big!
This is lovely. I love the idea of inviting our pets to dance our anxieties for us.
all questions of what you may achieve or if you will succeed can be answered in your breathtaking photos. you are so very, perfectly present.
You know what? Your site disappeared off of my bloglines. How weird is that. That is why I have not been here, because if I do not have BIG SIGNS reminding of what where Who and How I need to proceed then all is lost. I will be back later to do justice to these writings and photos.
Glad i realized you had disapppeared into the Ghost in the machine and brought you back.
Your poignant intelligence is such a gift, the clarity you offer in your own uncertainty and searching reaches deep inside and allows me to wonder on a whole new level.
:-)
I hope the "birdie" made it home to you...
(((HUGS))),
Love,
Me
What an absolutely beautiful post.
it helps, doesn't it, to see your task in these terms. The Truth will always reappear. I believe that.
Intensely beautiful and emotional photos.
hele!
as always, your photographs are beautiful and warming. and your writing is so familiar and gentle!
Post a Comment