everything is blue, green

grey, brown.

silence comes with dusk

while the dogs chase fish

through darkening waters.

a moth curls up towards

me. its wings pale

against the rose bushes.

it brings with it a magic

which exists between light

and dark. in between.

my thoughts escape

the ordinary and slip into

this world where a bright

yellow lemon is almost

the same tone as my skin.

above me bare trees riot

twisting broad strokes of ink

against a sky deep blue

with a pale yellow border. i

scratch the surface of a lemon

its smell becomes my world

reaching out and enfolding a

garden drifting through the

softness of dusk.

white flowers.

moth wings.

a star.

how to catch up a year's life, a move, a baby in the belly, a polyamorous relationship...?

i will start with now, this morning. i did not sleep well tonight. someone left a comment on facebook last night..."are you in an open relationship" and my hormones picked it up an ran with it deep into loops of self-doubt and insomnia.

i do not want to be in an open relationship. even though it has brought me much learning. i am learning to let go. to trust my feelings. to just sit with my mind. to hold myself while curled up in an empty bathtub. to stroke my own head. to open my heart. to go with the flo.

i enter into this strange relationship holding my heart high. stepping into the unknown. not running away towards that which i cannot yet picture. i hold myself and i wait for clarity.

and felix? the boy inside who i hoped for and still can't quite belief is there. who dances inside, singing songs about the stars, chocolate and coffee, white flowers smelling of honey and the smell of fresh earth? i love him already.

i am scared of the changes that will come. i am curios about the rest of my life. i look forward to a new chapter of what i cannot yet imagine.

i finish my undergraduate degree this year. my head is full of new knowledge. my heart ready for change. rather than the life of an academic i want to be outside. gardening. activism. children. food security. conservation. knitting.

some of the things these relationships swept into my life: deeper knowing and tenderness for flo and i. a real sense of the caring and love between us. more honesty with ourselves and each other. a healthy doubt and uncertainty about my ability to control. a clearer vision of what i want in my future. renewing connection to friends, old and new. reflection. laughter. cleansing.

and under it all a deep stream of knowing that all will be well. that i might never know. that i can bury deeper into each moment. feeling it glow with immediacy.

Release

 1. i awake
to silence.
 
my blanket
of words
falls open
 
how much can a heart expand
before it contracts?
 
2. lost in space
i climb your words
to safety
but it is the spaces
between our shared memory
that helps me release
into the unknown
a soft warm blanket
woven from past tenderness
streaming behind me.
 
3. five years together
you did not call tonight
and i awake
to an unfamiliar landscape
no longer sure
of what i know.
 
4. my heart
is a dog
waiting for its owner.
i will take her outside
to howl her fierceness
back from the moon.

i stand on the edge
of a balcony
beneath me
trembles a tree
its joyful vulnerability
reminding me
of what is found.
 
my heart smells
loss approaching
it turns around and sighs
searching for the warmth
we used to know.
 
we buried our love
under the oak tree
its for the best
they said
not strong enough
to be born.
 
in my hand
i hold a key.
shall I lock my heart
or keep it open?
 
gently my grief
unfolds me.
into this new space
falls
a leaf
a coin
and the feather of a crane.

usually
when words turn their backs
on me
i go blank.

but not today.

today i lean my back
against theirs
and i listen
until
their wordless cry
reflect
my own need to know.

my ideal kisses reality

confusion explodes
into my womb
i push and strain
until tired
i cry out
releasing new life
into the silence.

now

i want hope.

wandering through a thicket of doubt, dusty and tired
i want to find an egg laid by a strange mysterious creature.
the daughter of stork and firebird.

it glows with possibility.
i go down on my news before it. it ignites me.
i become luminous with desire.

rather than remember what i lack
i become ripe with what i want.

on the top of a tree i glow against a deep blue sky.
i am flower and fruit.

and when the time is right i fall.

into the earth i burrow.
effortlessly i grow back towards the light.

courage dear heart

can i let go into the flow of that which i cannot yet know?

 i roll around

in the middle of a shifting moving reality.  

a million faceless voices reflect through the cave of my skull.

i stand on the side thinking

"what the fuck?".

energy course through my body.

each cell dances its own direction.

the static part squeezes its eyes shut.

refusing to acknowledge reality

until it figures out what is going down.

or up. 

the ball of energy in my head paws the ground.

it snorts and leaps forward to kill at the least provocation.

or it pulls back in itself and whimpers.

it cries. it fears. it is angry it is sad.

meanwhile, the ringmaster cracks her whip.

if it is in her head it is under her command.

"be happy" she shouts

and feels exasperated when the beast starts crying.

how do i maintain relationship while my mind rearranges itself?