One step back, one step forward

This mail is
the dance of my life right now.

One step forward
Go to University

Learn about myself
and others

about why the sky is blue
and how to discover qigong through science

One step back
Fall into sleep at night

dreaming that I'm running through the stars with my wolves

reach towards a life filled
with art and homemade jam,
resting against F's back
I relax into a life I am creating for myself.

One step to the side

Getting chickens
and feeding them fresh young salad leaves
just because they love it so much
enrolling for a photography course
teaching a class on facilitation.

Twirl around until my heart gets lost

at the thought of

letting go of all that holds me back

become a
bread baking

permaculture
art creating

environmental educating

wild woman

who wakes up singing and goes to bed dancing.

Lie down

under a tree

and wonder about life and death
how many of me will I still meet

and how it will feel

to no longer be
me.

Roll onto my stomach

smell the earth

the grass
the sky
and know that all is just
the way it should be

and that when I

roll over again
the sky will be blue

and the chickens

will be softly
singing to their
food.

Spring

has sprung


and my nose is itching

Goddess avatar

My Goddess avatar.

You can make one, too, here.

I am without words at the moment. They are lost between deadlines and the mystery of life and death and everything in between. Life seems so big right now and words so little.

Last night I dreamed of a goddess who had an empty space where a baby should have been. In the dream I was filled with a deep yearning to replace it by having my own.

Maddness in the suburbs

Today on my way to a dog walking field
I noticed a field-fire.

Smoke obscured the road.
Some flames eagerly reach towards tree tops,
others lap up ground grasses.
Heat crackles across my skin.
Fire everywhere.

After phoning the fire brigade
we restart our walk.

A vehicle comes speeding down the road towards us.
I quickly bundle wolves to the side.
We wait for the vehicle to speed pass.
They slow down.

A slightly harassed looking girl winds down her window,
leans out and asks:
"Have you seen a wild buck passing this way?"

Today I saw

Two dead guinea fowl and a wire trap around our puppy's neck.

A fountain dancing. The sunlight turning it to molten silver.

The puppy is ok. For a while we both panicked. Then I slowly unwound the wire from the tree, slipped it off his neck and just sat stroking him till both our hearts stopped lunging.

The fountain still dances under a silver moon.

Life truths

My parents' neighbor
was attacked in his backyard last week.
His nose is broken.
He has stab wounds in his back.

Two friends on their way to work at seven in the morning.
Five armed men waiting
for the moment between
the night alarm being switched off
and the morning alarm being switched on
before stepping out from behind the garage.

I meet someone for coffee
to discuss a class I will be teaching.
She calmly discusses being robbed by five men,
four of them armed with pangas.

She looked up from her computer
to see a man standing in front of her.
When asked who he is he said :
"It does not matter who I am".

She describes how she was made to lie down on the floor
not knowing if her partner was alive or dead,
her relief when he was made to lie
down next to her and
the comfort she obtained from the warmth
of their quivering elderly Labrador.

She talks of being robbed of everything
including scatter cushions and clothes,
in twelve minutes.

Only when she describes
them taking the laptop
on which she was busy finishing off
a reference list for her honors thesis
does her eyes fill with tears.

A good friend and her daughter invites us
to a celebration fire on Sunday.

They were ambushed in their garden by six men.
Her jaw was dislocated,
her face battered and bruised
yet she refused to respond to their violence.

Her body became so heavy
that they could not pick her up.
Even when being hit in the face
she felt no pain.

She knew she could not allow
them to take her,
or her daughter,
inside the house.

She speaks of the joy
of being alive,
of feeling her daughter
being placed next to her
and feeling her warmth.

They were on their way
to make a fire
when they were ambushed.

Now we light the same fire
to celebrate the beauty of life.

Another friend and her husband lost
their gardener to Aids
three days after he was diagnosed.

When clearing out his room
they find all his medication
in unopened packages.

Today I facilitated a discussion
amongst a group of young students
on the masks we wear.

Suddenly the conversation became real.
My assumptions fell out beneath me.

I found myself staring into
the knowledge that there are no answers.
Only the truth of living our lives.

the alchemical wedding

Early in the morning.

I curl deeper into the warm nest of my bed.

I focus on being who I am right now.

A lot of energy rises and falls in my head,
folding in on itself
like a perfume twirling in water.

Yet denser and jagged -
energy trapped in a thundercloud.

After a while I notice two voices.

The voice of reason wants me to achieve.

It talks of creating
of changing policies, building a home,
and moving into the world.

The other voice has no voice.

It resist the structure needed for language
and needs to know deeply.

It dreams in cycles.

Into its depths inspiration drops
causing slowly contracting ripples.

One draws forward.

The other draws back.

Could I get these two to trust each other?

To embrace and love and conceive?

To feel secure in the power of the other?