a big adventure

i long for adventure.  a big one.

with the sun slanting across an unfamiliar valley 

and mystery leading me deeper into the unknown.

instead every morning i wake up to the familiar

until i remind myself of my quest

to perceive the subtle magic of not knowing

rather than looking out for a trail curving around a mountain

or a teacher who initiates me 

into subtle mysteries beyond that which i know.

its hard finding magic in research reports,

unpaid bonds and student registration queues

but among the weeds in our back garden

i find small white flowers.

this fear

of the mundane has followed me all my life like a shadow

i have tried to stare it down with the sword of my intellect

now i just experience it

it might swallow me

or it might show me a path curling around a mountain

not knowing is the adventure.

ooh la laah

spiritual promiscuity

this morning Florian and i talked about sleeping around. 

slowly i recognized the similarities between chasing the perfect shag in my early twenties

and my current search for spiritual ecstasy. 

both yearn for freedom from the mundane,

for a moment of forgetfulness.

their expectations are often based on representations

rather than direct experience.

they tempt me 

into following strange people into strange places. 

both tend to miss spirit

playing 

hide and seek 

with the mundane. 

a lover's eyelashes dance with a shadow.  

a hug restores what has been lost. 

a tree breathes. 

rather than forget

we remember.

how strange

winter has turned around

to remind me

how warm summer have been

life flowers on

love without reason or rhyme

in a world out of time

every time i recall 

love or truth

you are here

in my heart 

where each day fills with joy

and each moment holds truth

that soon all will cease to be

out of time

when we dance free

of our bonds

free of time.

live within reason and rhyme

where each day brings the song

of the heart  

to the world

where the dance becomes new

where the truth is reborn

where the joy is so sweet.

one of the gifts of my initiation has been the ability to sing. as a young girl i was kicked out of the choir for being out of tune. although i love to sing flo often teases me when my voice squeaks and wobbles and breaks. but when the ancestors pulls closer i lift my voice in song. the notes are sweet. the words flows from inside me and outside me.

i have moved from a frenzy of hunting for the right teacher, the right way, into a gentle acceptance. knowing that all will unfold in its own time. each breath  is precious as it offers me a chance to transmute and transform each moment of existence. together with all that surrounds me. inside and out.

there is still plenty fear and anger. worry about money. waking up in the morning with a hollow feeling circling my navel. searching for something. but life has shifted. just a little bit. to the left? to the right? maybe up? maybe down? maybe it simply turned inside out. 

i have opened my heart to love. to dreams. to guidance. to hope.

what a strange mystery we are woven into.

i love you mithril. i miss you.

spring has sprung

and i am confused and at peace. sometimes the one, some times the other and sometimes both at the same time.


in the last month i have received a calling followed by a spirit wrenching initiation process. each morning when i say my prayers nothingness stir through my heart. sometimes i remember and sometimes i forget.



our hen was killed by a dog. we don't know where she was hiding her eggs.



soon i will go on an amazing journey named the call of the wild.



i find peace in not knowing.



i still pray for a gentle female teacher to show me the way of compassion and magic. who will laugh with me and tell me stories. who will sit with me in the nothingness and who will drum me into a laughing dancing frenzy. a compassionate heart.



i wonder about death often. sometimes my dreams are filled with the voices of the ancestors.



i want to share this. i want to keep it safely held in the silence of my heart.



i feel confused. i feel found. i feel anxiety. i feel acceptance. i feel yearning. i feel peace.



each day is mundane. when i remember each moment awash with new magic . everything is the same old same. all have changed.


i don't know.



may your heart remember you*