Early morning light

hohum

"But what about that which cannot be known? What about uncertainty that is not a matter of incomplete, distorted, misunderstood, or mishandled information?"
Couclelis H (2003) The Certainty of Uncertainty: GIS and the Limits of Geographic Knowledge. Transactions in GIS, 7(2) pp165–175.

i woke up sunday morning reaching for my shoes.
the morning calls. i want to be out in the garden.

then i realise i left my shoes in my car.
arriving at my car i find the door standing open
my cd's, cd player and shoes gone.

i stayed calm
and start making list of things to replace and associated costs.
i go to the shop where i bought my shoes.
not only are they no longer stocked ,
they are no longer produced.

i freak out.
i am crying as if someone died.
my rational mind desperately reminds me:
"dude, they are only shoes."

but it is not just about the shoes.
it is about no longer feeling safe
in my country, my city, my home.
it is about no longer feeling welcome in my country.
it is about our world and the way i have no control
over the way the earth is raped, assaulted and robbed daily.

it is about not knowing
who i am, why i am here, where i will go and where i came from.
if i start peeling back the layers of my life what will i find?
a buddhist emptiness? an atheist nothingness?
an agnostic unknown?

does things happen for a reason? or not?

where do i find safety for those i love?

not having any answers frightens me.

yet resting in the unknown feels like a doorway.

a tunnel.
a clearing in a quite field

drenched in early morning sunlight
and frozen in time.

i wonder what is on the other side of this unknown moment?
and will i be needing shoes?

i miss you mithril.

before i could recognise a fear of death
i had to release my fear of life.

as a young child i always longed for release from this life.
freedom from suffering and cruelty.
from my inability to function within this world.
from senselessness.
i wanted out.

as an adult i saw the struggles of life
as something only death could release me from.
i hoped that another existence was possible.
one filled with the joy of spirit.
freedom from matter.

now i realise that all life is a form of evolution.
there is no distinction between prisoners of matter
and free beings of spirit.

after death
i will not merely return to what i once was.
i would have changed.
shape shifted into something new.

with me the shape of consciousness shifts.
every small breath i take opens new possibilities.

the final goalpost has not been set.
it is constantly evolving.
this realisation shifts my world.
my viewpoint. my spirituality.

and with it comes a new fear of death.

last night,
around four this morning
I found myself in a dream.

i was in a place of history and beauty.
sitting in the autumn sunlights i remarked to a friend
this place, these people will soon be
nothing but a distant memory.
a part of me experienced the fading of all that i love.

each breath, a birth and a death.
love and fear fills it.
like bubbles on a flatline towards the future.

the wolves,
florian,
my parents,
the trees i meditate under,
the blue, blue sky
me.
nothing but a memory.

now that i realise how fleeting life is
love seems so fragile.

i reach towards a new knowledge of death.
where there is no line of progression.
where all i love is inside me and around me.

joy. love. expansion. contraction. compassion.

in moments between my studies i have been walking.

sometimes my spirit looks up. an owl.


in my sleep we also sometimes walk together.

feeling a bit sad tonight.
running out of money
so i'll might have to de-register
for the second semester of my studies
as well as put on hold our plans for a baby.

our future president scares the hell out of me.

then i read angela's dancing comment
and reya's beautiful posts on spirit guides.

my spirit picks up it head and starts stretching its limbs

lets dance.

just danced down my blog roll
feeling breathless, flushed, inspired.



i like to finish this dance
with a bow of gratitude*

A dream

last night I had a profoundly beautiful dream


i was high up in the mountains, the air was cold against my face, the purple of far away mountains and the pale yellow of dusk was all around. two large whooping cranes flew high above my head and I was filled with their majesty.


later i was walking down the road. a wind sprung up . it first rustled the tall pale grasses and then lifted my hair.


a voice filled me and said: "you are always yearning towards following the wind. wanting to follow it to where you will find me. in a land free of people with their bustle and noise. where there is only my voice in the wind and a liberated nature"


I felt my entire being streaming after the wind, filled with its lightness. i longed to follow it to where god can be found. pale pink and yellow triangles of light was carried along the wind, together with pale white bits of grass.


the voice continued. "if you penetrate deeply into everything that surrounds you, everything, whether you perceive it as good or bad, you will find me. because that is where i reside. where love resides. everything starts in me and returns to me”