Today I feel sad

A friend passed away on Wednesday. We went to her memorial yesterday. Everyone talked about how she touched their lives. I remembered how I felt like I always knew her and how we talked in the garden and I'm filled with a deep sadness because we might never meet again.

Then I remembered what she was like the weeks before her death. Angry and confused and saying hurtful things. Sometimes looking at me with a deep mistrust and a fierce dislike in her eyes.

I wonder why this part of her cannot be honored too.

Today must be spend writing an essay on Xenophobia in South Africa. "Despite the transition from authoritarian rule to democracy, prejudice and violence continue to mark contemporary South Africa." (Xenophobia: A new pathology for a new South Africa? by Bronwyn Harris). I'm not really in the right frame of mind for it. Tears are burning my nose and dripping on my keyboard. My heart feels bruised and vulnerable. I wish there was a place I could find shelter from me for just a day.

A deep quite space filled with the smell of leaves, the sound of rustling wind and a small glimpse of sunshine seen outside the comfortable darkness that surrounds me. Where I can turn around, burrow deeper, scratch my side and stop worrying about the things that make me doubt myself and pull away from life.

Where the root of hatred and fear are enveloped in compassion.

Where dreams are delicate and hope joyful.

Where dreams are filled with the wonder of not knowing.

Where I feel safe enough to care.

And safe enough not to care too much.

Unfurling

Home is where my heart is

I've decided to get a notebook. To write into all the soul searching questions F assures me he dealt with when he was going through his existential crisis at the age of fourteen. Usually I would have shrugged off his words after telling him in no uncertain terms what an insensitive fool he is.

However, lately I have been thinking that maybe I do ponder just a little too much. Although I decided to start talking less and listening more this is proving harder than I thought. How to stop the thorough analysis of my every thought, deed and desire from rolling over my lips?

Maybe if I write them down, as soon as they arise, being deep and meaningful will start feeling like hard work. Overnight I will turn into a light-headed zen fool.

Bliss.

In the meanwhile, while chopping vegetables this evening, sniffing the heady aroma of my chick-pea curry I had a thought.

Just one.

I promise.

Although there is a little intro attached.

For years I have been yearning to meet a wise female teacher. Someone who can show me how to stay compassionate and not get caught up in spiritual clarity. Then an opportunity arose. However, I would need to commit to being away from home for three months. I thought: If I only have a year left to live would I not seize this opportunity with both hands?

Tonight, while cooking and pondering I suddenly realised that if I was really dying I would probably want to spend as much time as I can with those I love. Listening and talking.

One step back, one step forward

This mail is
the dance of my life right now.

One step forward
Go to University

Learn about myself
and others

about why the sky is blue
and how to discover qigong through science

One step back
Fall into sleep at night

dreaming that I'm running through the stars with my wolves

reach towards a life filled
with art and homemade jam,
resting against F's back
I relax into a life I am creating for myself.

One step to the side

Getting chickens
and feeding them fresh young salad leaves
just because they love it so much
enrolling for a photography course
teaching a class on facilitation.

Twirl around until my heart gets lost

at the thought of

letting go of all that holds me back

become a
bread baking

permaculture
art creating

environmental educating

wild woman

who wakes up singing and goes to bed dancing.

Lie down

under a tree

and wonder about life and death
how many of me will I still meet

and how it will feel

to no longer be
me.

Roll onto my stomach

smell the earth

the grass
the sky
and know that all is just
the way it should be

and that when I

roll over again
the sky will be blue

and the chickens

will be softly
singing to their
food.

Spring

has sprung


and my nose is itching

Goddess avatar

My Goddess avatar.

You can make one, too, here.

I am without words at the moment. They are lost between deadlines and the mystery of life and death and everything in between. Life seems so big right now and words so little.

Last night I dreamed of a goddess who had an empty space where a baby should have been. In the dream I was filled with a deep yearning to replace it by having my own.

Maddness in the suburbs

Today on my way to a dog walking field
I noticed a field-fire.

Smoke obscured the road.
Some flames eagerly reach towards tree tops,
others lap up ground grasses.
Heat crackles across my skin.
Fire everywhere.

After phoning the fire brigade
we restart our walk.

A vehicle comes speeding down the road towards us.
I quickly bundle wolves to the side.
We wait for the vehicle to speed pass.
They slow down.

A slightly harassed looking girl winds down her window,
leans out and asks:
"Have you seen a wild buck passing this way?"