before i could recognise a fear of death
i had to release my fear of life.

as a young child i always longed for release from this life.
freedom from suffering and cruelty.
from my inability to function within this world.
from senselessness.
i wanted out.

as an adult i saw the struggles of life
as something only death could release me from.
i hoped that another existence was possible.
one filled with the joy of spirit.
freedom from matter.

now i realise that all life is a form of evolution.
there is no distinction between prisoners of matter
and free beings of spirit.

after death
i will not merely return to what i once was.
i would have changed.
shape shifted into something new.

with me the shape of consciousness shifts.
every small breath i take opens new possibilities.

the final goalpost has not been set.
it is constantly evolving.
this realisation shifts my world.
my viewpoint. my spirituality.

and with it comes a new fear of death.

last night,
around four this morning
I found myself in a dream.

i was in a place of history and beauty.
sitting in the autumn sunlights i remarked to a friend
this place, these people will soon be
nothing but a distant memory.
a part of me experienced the fading of all that i love.

each breath, a birth and a death.
love and fear fills it.
like bubbles on a flatline towards the future.

the wolves,
florian,
my parents,
the trees i meditate under,
the blue, blue sky
me.
nothing but a memory.

now that i realise how fleeting life is
love seems so fragile.

i reach towards a new knowledge of death.
where there is no line of progression.
where all i love is inside me and around me.

joy. love. expansion. contraction. compassion.