A friend passed away on Wednesday. We went to her memorial yesterday. Everyone talked about how she touched their lives. I remembered how I felt like I always knew her and how we talked in the garden and I'm filled with a deep sadness because we might never meet again.
Then I remembered what she was like the weeks before her death. Angry and confused and saying hurtful things. Sometimes looking at me with a deep mistrust and a fierce dislike in her eyes.
I wonder why this part of her cannot be honored too.
Today must be spend writing an essay on Xenophobia in South Africa. "Despite the transition from authoritarian rule to democracy, prejudice and violence continue to mark contemporary South Africa." (Xenophobia: A new pathology for a new South Africa? by Bronwyn Harris). I'm not really in the right frame of mind for it. Tears are burning my nose and dripping on my keyboard. My heart feels bruised and vulnerable. I wish there was a place I could find shelter from me for just a day.
A deep quite space filled with the smell of leaves, the sound of rustling wind and a small glimpse of sunshine seen outside the comfortable darkness that surrounds me. Where I can turn around, burrow deeper, scratch my side and stop worrying about the things that make me doubt myself and pull away from life.
Where the root of hatred and fear are enveloped in compassion.
Where dreams are delicate and hope joyful.
Where dreams are filled with the wonder of not knowing.
Where I feel safe enough to care.And safe enough not to care too much.
17 comments:
Sometimes we need to feel sad. This always trying to be alert, cheerful, running around - it wears you out. A funeral is really a good day to remind you of the other side of life. And yes, thinking of passed lives, missed opportunities, false decisions, too. Let all the sadness come up - and then do this very important thing: Forgive yourself! And forgive the other. I wish you a happy life, rich and full! You are lovable!
i think it sounds like you should just give yourself time to feel sorrow and let the tears help you get it out of your system. can you put off the xenophobia paper and give yourself a little time? it sounds like the last thing you need at the moment. my heart goes out to you!
I'm sorry for your loss and sorrow.
I first thought that the angry part is not her true self, but I guess that component is the part that is unwilling to give up this life we know. Definitely an element worth honoring!
Oh, all the things that come up inside us at times like this. All those things we can't change, all those things we think we would change if given the chance, all those what ifs. And the hurt, just plain hurt & pain & sadness. My heart is with you, knowing you will find a burrow of some kind when the time is right. Make a nest, allow yourself to grieve.
Love, Debi
i too am sorry for your loss, Hel.
anger - we have such trouble with it, don't we? it's as natural as any other emotion and yet turns others off, and we fail to celebrate it as we do the things that make us feel good. i struggle with that, i've been reflecting on that lately and your post made me think of it again.
holding you in your loss, with love, sister.
Sorry for your loss. It's weird how often people get angry at that stage.
"I wish there was a place I could find shelter from me for just a day." I know how that feels but then you probably wouldn't want to either.
And having to write an essay in a mood like that surely is no fun. I hope you got it done. (Hugs)
Oh I know that feeling all too well Hele...
She was ferocious in her final days was she? Shit, I might be as well. Was she on morphine? That can really mess a person up.
I hope you find a safe spot for awhile, that kind of vulnerability sucks. Bury your nose in that fluff you told me about...
I'm so sorry for your loss. There are times we need to grieve, and times we need to give voice to our anger. It seems to me that you are already finding wisdom in your experience, and that is always a good thing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's passing, and that it was so hard for her. I know there isn't always time to mourn properly, but it's so necessary in helping us move on.
Thinking of you dear Hele and sending you a trans-atlantic hug.
PS - tough paper to write - yuck!
Sorry about your friend. We always sugar over a person when we lose them. I think it's because when you lose someone you've lost, all the negative stuff doesn't even matter anymore and the grief for the good in them clouds over everything else. Let yourself feel it out, that's the hardest thing to do but the healthiest. Just breathe.
I wish there was a place I could find shelter from me for just a day.
It's ironic, isn't it, that the very place to find such shelter requires going even deeper into those places most resisted.
At least that's what I've always found...
Beautiful heartbreak is a testimony to your love for her. Such a gift.
Lean in more...
Holding you in peace this moment.
Sending a hug sweetie.
oh, sweet heart. sweet. heart.
mine aches for you today.
i gave you an award. come see it, okay?
I am sorry for the sadness you are feeling and I hope it passes quickly. I know that your friend did what she needed to do and it is a good thing that she let go of so much anger before moving on. It would have been much worse to take it all with her.
I'm so sorry to hear about this loss. Many sincere and loving condolensces.
The pictures are exquisite. I love the moon pictures. It was a hell of a moon.
Beautiful Hel. I wish I could provide shelter in the storm and wrap your heart in a safety blanket. Sending thousands of little hugs on wind waves traveling your way.
Post a Comment