I've decided to get a notebook. To write into all the soul searching questions F assures me he dealt with when he was going through his existential crisis at the age of fourteen. Usually I would have shrugged off his words after telling him in no uncertain terms what an insensitive fool he is.
However, lately I have been thinking that maybe I do ponder just a little too much. Although I decided to start talking less and listening more this is proving harder than I thought. How to stop the thorough analysis of my every thought, deed and desire from rolling over my lips?
Maybe if I write them down, as soon as they arise, being deep and meaningful will start feeling like hard work. Overnight I will turn into a light-headed zen fool.
Bliss.
In the meanwhile, while chopping vegetables this evening, sniffing the heady aroma of my chick-pea curry I had a thought.
Just one.
I promise.
Although there is a little intro attached.
For years I have been yearning to meet a wise female teacher. Someone who can show me how to stay compassionate and not get caught up in spiritual clarity. Then an opportunity arose. However, I would need to commit to being away from home for three months. I thought: If I only have a year left to live would I not seize this opportunity with both hands?
Tonight, while cooking and pondering I suddenly realised that if I was really dying I would probably want to spend as much time as I can with those I love. Listening and talking.
20 comments:
It is surprising how many journeys of the mind end up taking us right back to where we started from...
A beautiful post. :)
I don't think there's any formula for answering those questions. It seems to be such an individual thing.
Those of us who ponder... will probably always ponder. :)
~*
a moleskine with your handwriting. Thoughts out, happiness in.
I love you
That question of "what would you do if you had just one day/week/month/year left to live?" always stumps me. Because that's not really what people are asking. They are asking "What will you regret not having done?" and really, you won't know.
Turning into a blissful zen idiot sounds appealing but totally undoable to me. But then, it seems, that my task at the moment is to stop over thinking...
Your blog has become one of the first places I come to each morning - to let myself feel your rhythm, to see your images, to read your thoughts.
By all means, write down your thoughts. Let them go or decide which to keep.
But isn't it nice to know that, if given only a year to live, that you might, in fact, do what you are already doing? It says a lot about the choices you've already made. After the horror of 9/11. so many journalists wrote articles & talked about & asked how it had changed people's lives. That day DIDN'T change my life - at least in the way I believed or thought or acted; it changed my soul perhaps - and I was pleased to discover this. It meant a lot to be shown I was already living my life as I believed it should be lived. Of course, there are always day to day angsts & problems & worries, but the picture is fine. I think maybe for you too!
:) Debi
A notebook sounds like a good idea, and less travelling that way! I don't know that you need a wise woman to lead you - you seem to ask the right questions and come to the right conclusions - what would she teach you differently? My personal mantra:
"And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make."
The Beatles
"... as much time as possible with those I love." Absolutely! As I age, I begin to think more and more about the value and importance of community, and how I want to find more of it in my life. Listening and talking... Absolutely!
Perhaps you, then, are the the wise female teacher.
And, like flutter said, a moleskin with yellowish pages.
it might work, because i find when I take notes I don't have to keep trying to remember these supposedly deep and important thoughts, then when I come back to them later, they're either not that insightful or they're nothing new, the same old issues recycled.
I went to a poetry writing class one night in June, and one of the exercises was to write what we'd do on our last day. The youngest woman wrote that she'd speak her truth and stir things up because she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences, and the others, including me, wrote that we'd spend the day with our immediate family at the beach. We all agreed that that was not such a hard thing to do ANY day, that it was a lot easier to give our souls happiness than we tend to think.
YOU are my wise female teacher.
Oh my how true. I've tried the talk less listen more thing too. OOH you're in for it dear, it is hard.
I, too, have a tendency to overanalyze life to the point that I drive myself crazy.
During the period of the 2006-2007 school year, when I was dealing with some emotional problems, I stopped writing in my journal almost completely.
I knew that with my nature, I would delve into the implications of a very bad situation and only depress myself further.
I think that the break really helped me.
You don't want to totally lose that contemplativeness, though. Believe me, you don't.
You just have to strike a healthy balance. By the way, your home looks beautiful.
These pictures are beautiful! And please don't ever judge yourself for being too thoughtful! Our society is so full of thoughtlessness, you might have to lean hard into mindfulness just to balance the world.
As for compassion (this is my opinion) - it can't be taught. It's a practice, a life-long skill that doesn't come easily in our culture.
Thanks for your thoughtfulness and your thoughtful posts. Thank you!!
But you are not dying. Three months is not so very long.
Just my one thought.
oh your words and photographs are pure art-- the whole effect of reading this post leaves me changed, as if I have just walked through a gallery of a great, introspective artist--
~bluepoppy
"However, lately I have been thinking that maybe I do ponder just a little too much. Although I decided to start talking less and listening more this is proving harder than I thought. "
It's a hard habit to break, trust me, I know.
funny...i also do my best pondering when i'm cooking. what do you think it is about that activity that seems to promote deep thoughts? that it's something we've been doing since time began? something that taps into our basic survival instinct?
hmm...great post, as always.
Magnificent writing and magnificent photos to go with the words. Thank you!
seems like all the answers are there. in your post. you're beautiful, woman.
I do believe you are a zen master after all, pretty lady :) So many deep lessons to learn while at the same time being light enough to enjoy our short stay on this planet. And it always does come back to love, doesn't it? Beautiful.
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