glories and graces.

searching for an achievement to celebrate i turn around in the moment and look back towards my birth. What do i see. I see a succession of landscapes. Some are deep green meadows, slumbering under a blanket of light, some narrow concrete corners chewing on dust. and through them all a narrow ribbon of light and a coyote shadow. together these two represent all the small victories and failures that make up the achievement of my life.

grabbing the ribbon in my hand i dive into the shadow. a memory appears.

it is a bright clear day in the Karoo, 1979. Sun reflects from the sky found in a kidney shaped pool. Light dances through the water streaming down the backs of children breaking from the pool's blue surface and plunging back into its coolness. outside me laughter and movement. inside me doubt. desperately i scan the scene looking for patterns to emulate and become part of the whole. my face feels stiff, my mouth dry. Time slows down yet i am unable of the moment until i am able to unlock its secret.

the moment shifts into another. my first LDS experience. Laying on the soft grass of a local park i am unable to hear the sound of the stream nearby or sense my companions. i am locked into three interlocking thoughts visually represented by three moving kaleidoscope patterns. the first is. i am fine. the second: its just the acid. the third: it will end. but the thoughts are impatient. instead of waiting for each to fully appear they jostle into each other merging their patterns before their meaning has time to crystallize. Five hours later they finally fade away.

these experiences are repeated over and over. the shadow stalks me through failures like surrendering my self respect and body in a desperate plea for love, through hiding from myself and others in drug experiences and through running from the stresses of the corporate world. The ribbon glides The ribbon glides through the achievements of joining a martial arts school and discovering the strength and flexibility of my body, in overcoming my addiction and in finding the stamina to finish my degree with the highest marks in my class. the ribbon is woven from three strands. the ability to keep on trying, to have compassion for myself in my deepest hours of self doubt and self loathing and the belief in a deeper more joyously mysterious reality than the one i often feel stuck in.

i come to honor the warrior maiden leaping forth from the ribbon's light. sometimes she runs screaming towards the shadow brandishing a arrow of light. sometimes she slowly stalks the shadow until it falls asleep and she can quietly sit next to it watching its history swirl through its powerful wild body. she does not give up. i do not give up.

i strain to be born into a new reality. i collect new age mediums, Buddhist meditations, chi-gung breathing techniques, kundalini chants and the songs of the wind breathing from the sky. i open up to my pain and i focus on my breathing allowing a reality beyond my pain to shyly reveal itself. slowly i introduce movement to flower from paralyzed moments.

help comes from many places. a wise chi-gung master opens my eyes, a gentle Taiwanese nun opens my heart. my friends listen to me and tell me why they love me. members of my family holds me in acceptance and lifts me with their prayers. voices speak from books, sings from cds and whisper from the delicate petals of flowers.

again and again i slip behind the barriers i erected in my mind and around my heart. a fear of others, of getting things wrong, of rejection, of freezing and becoming unable to belong. i keep on hunting. running towards and away from myself.

when i return from the hunt, tired, discouraged, angry, scared and sad I release the need to know. i gently call myself back, wind the ribbon around my little finger and fall backwards into the vastness of the unknown. in letting go of reason i can also let go of its deep mistrust. out of the unknown a presence emerges. she holds me in her arms and sings of unconditional love and hope. at her feet my shadow snores. above us the bright free sky, below us the warm safe earth.

i am grateful.