each night i am momentarily fooled by a streetlight doubling as the moon. i glimpse her through the corner of the bathroom window turning a small spiderweb to a rainbow and the blackness of the night to indigo blue.
being a mother is teaching me about being the moon. about moving closer to god and my spirit. about finding the moons and mothers which surround and is enfolded within me.
as a child all i longed for was to be absorbed in an absolute light. an all knowing god that would sweep me up in his arms and love me totally. who would save me from all the suffering of not feeling good enough. as a young teenager i surrendered to drugs and the oblivion they brought. in their embrace i could see the beauty of the world and celebrate it free of fear. after rehab i once again started desperately searching for a god who could liberate me and send me flying high up through the stars.
for a while before my pregnancy my search once again intensified. i started searching for god in nature, in the old gods and goddesses of india and europe. i chanted and prayed and meditated. at times i felt myself growing light as a feather drifting on a breeze. lighter and lighter until i became the leaves glowing in starlight or dust motes dancing in the late afternoon sun.
now i hold a phoenix in my arms. she smiles at me, cries for me and needs me to love her all the time. i cannot escape from myself or her. i am pulled into this body. my arms are needed to hold her and rock her. My legs follow my feet in stomping out a gentle rhythm to sooth her pain. my breasts get tightly full dripping milk on my clothes, my pillow my sheets. i find myself singing to her in a freezing bathroom at three in the morning, holding her naked body close to mine and trying to ignore the small puddle of milk forming around my feet. her fluffy blanket keeps her warm but is not big enough for the two of us.
i love her slow smile with eyes lighting up as she gently allows a new sliver of our world to slip into hers. i love the smiles that flash like light across the deep calmness of her eyes. i love the soft warmth of her skull cradled in my hand and the heavy weight of her when she falls asleep in my arms. i love that i cannot hide from her.
she lures or tears me out of my safe isolation from where i use to search for god. she turns my longing to escape into a dream of being more fully present in love.
6 comments:
dear hele - it's been far too long since i checked in with you. and as i drank in your words, i realized how missed you were.
i met a woman recently who reminded me of you. which sounds so strange, being that i don't actually know you. and yet i do. enough to know that she reminded me of you. she too has a baby (hers is 3 months old), she is an artist and was searching and found something more than she expected in her baby. i was so happy to spend time with her (she found me through couchsurfing, so it was random). but like you, she was deep. and searching. and finding. and i was happy to share that. if only for a moment.
enjoy every minute.
xoxox,
/julie
Your love affair with this child is deeply moving. My heart has room again.
she is a luminous creature and so very very like her mother
My dear Hele, thank you for showing up at mine (you are excused!!), and for sharing your thoughts with us here. Yes I know, as every mother - a baby leads us into a new dimension of love. I am just reading eat,pray,love and I like it a lot. That woman also is a searcher, and all the while I stop and wonder, haven`t I done that, too? But only before I had my babies! Afterwards I KNEW what love is, and what my purpose in life is, and that yes, God is there, all the time.
my heart is full because i know this joy, too. it is ten years now that this light has entered my life, this luminous moon-glow of motherhood.
i can feel you shining and shimmering here on the other side of the world
xoxo
More photos, please! And more stories - can she sit already?
Veri word is prizesse - the German word is Prinzessin for princess!
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