how to catch up a year's life, a move, a baby in the belly, a polyamorous relationship...?

i will start with now, this morning. i did not sleep well tonight. someone left a comment on facebook last night..."are you in an open relationship" and my hormones picked it up an ran with it deep into loops of self-doubt and insomnia.

i do not want to be in an open relationship. even though it has brought me much learning. i am learning to let go. to trust my feelings. to just sit with my mind. to hold myself while curled up in an empty bathtub. to stroke my own head. to open my heart. to go with the flo.

i enter into this strange relationship holding my heart high. stepping into the unknown. not running away towards that which i cannot yet picture. i hold myself and i wait for clarity.

and felix? the boy inside who i hoped for and still can't quite belief is there. who dances inside, singing songs about the stars, chocolate and coffee, white flowers smelling of honey and the smell of fresh earth? i love him already.

i am scared of the changes that will come. i am curios about the rest of my life. i look forward to a new chapter of what i cannot yet imagine.

i finish my undergraduate degree this year. my head is full of new knowledge. my heart ready for change. rather than the life of an academic i want to be outside. gardening. activism. children. food security. conservation. knitting.

some of the things these relationships swept into my life: deeper knowing and tenderness for flo and i. a real sense of the caring and love between us. more honesty with ourselves and each other. a healthy doubt and uncertainty about my ability to control. a clearer vision of what i want in my future. renewing connection to friends, old and new. reflection. laughter. cleansing.

and under it all a deep stream of knowing that all will be well. that i might never know. that i can bury deeper into each moment. feeling it glow with immediacy.