If you go down to the woods today

Reach your long hand out
to another door, beyond where
you go on the street, the street
where everyone one says, “how are you?”
And no one says how aren't you
Rumi


I have been putting off writing this post for the last week. This is due partly to a lack of time allowing me to hunt for elusive ideas, and partly to a fear of saying the wrong thing, of displaying an ignorance regarding the concepts I struggle with.


Once I started turning my fear around and around, sniffing at it from every angle , sticking my head deep under the blankets where no one can see it, and jumping up and down under a tree to make it rise higher I suddenly realised the following.


Often I don't speak my truth because I am afraid to offend, to appear ridiculous and to be rejected. If I get rejected I cannot have what I want. The relationship, the job, the future contact, the admiring comments, the possibility of someone running next to me for a while. So I say what I think others might want to hear, merely hinting at my own truths and needs. Once I am known and trusted, then maybe I could, reveal my true intentions.


Often, before this miracle occurs, I feel used, misunderstood and taken advantage of. I want to escape, to go somewhere where I can be me, I want to hide under the covers.


I now have the ability to grow, learn and change. But in order to do that I must understand this fear. This need to be everything for everyone else. To sometimes push it up through my chest and away and to sometimes let it rest in compassion. To allow myself to be honest about my intentions. To allow myself to turn around when I realise that I have made a mistake, own it and keep walking in what I hope is the right direction.


I am having doubts of my ability to integrate into a community that mistrusts me because of my colour. I am scared that I will give up my dreams in order to make it better for others. I am questioning my motives. Why this need to save others? Is it about me or them? Am I ready? Will I offend? Will I be hurt? Will I end up working from seven in the morning till twelve at night knowing that I am trying to empty a well with a broken bucket?


Isn't it rather selfish to rather want to hide in my garden writing about making a change? Should I rather be working with those who want to work with me? Can I find out why others don't want to work with me? Can I change things? Why should I be allowed to hide in my garden while others have nothing to eat? Are there better ways of addressing the inequalities outside my garden? Will I, god forbid, end up looking like a ignorant, middle-class, white woman? And since this is my socio-economic context is it really such a shameful thing? I don't want fear to stop me from learning.


The answers will turn out to be those I never imagined. Growing up protected from history, critical inquiry and political awareness might result in a fair amount of time spent mumbling past the feet in my mouth. But if I do not ask how will I find answers? If I do not listen carefully to the answers how will I learn? If I cannot learn how will I change?


Jen and Mad have invited Susanne and I to host the just posts on our sides of the world. Knowing that it will encourage me to explore my own voice and those of others I accepted. I will write about my fears and hopes. I will listen to the voices of others. I will carefully research my facts. I will learn. I will respect myself and speak with integrity.


So using Jen's words: "If you have read or have written a post about social justice this month send the link to me at hwagener (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send you the button. You and the post(s) you've shared will be included at our Just Post Roundtable on the 10th and will now be featured on four blogs across the world."


If you would like to find out more about the just posts please reference Jen's post. I will line up my ducks and hopefully by the tenth we will be able to quack for ourselves.